


Ask for the Moon

by fullmoonmaple



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Parents, Bad Parenting, Black Family (Harry Potter) - Freeform, Coming Out, F/M, Family Issues, First Kiss, First Love, Getting Together, Hogwarts Fifth Year, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jily sidepairing, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Past Child Abuse, Pining, Pranks, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sad Sirius Black, Self-Hatred, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Werewolf Remus Lupin, prank goes horrible wrong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-10-21 20:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 27,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17649713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmoonmaple/pseuds/fullmoonmaple
Summary: “You are definitely not going to hex the underwear of our headmaster", Remus interrupts aghast.“I wonder if Dumbledore won't be impressed by that”, Peter considers, “Remember that one time we hexed the teacher's socks into blaring love songs? He laughed about that one.”“Nah, that time was different”, Sirius declines, “Dumbles always had a thing for socks.”“That sounds wrong on so many levels”, James mutters and stands up, “Maybe Padfoot can help you looking for your sweater then, Moony”, James actually has the nerve to waggle his eyebrows suggestively, “I could swear I've seen it near Padfoot's bed yesterday.”-------Hogwarts Fifth Year is supposed to be the best school year. However, between OWLs, the best prank they've ever pulled, between that disaster that is called his Family and this bubbling feeling in his chest whenever Remus is near, Sirius rethinks that again. Maybe Hogwarts Fifth Year is the WORST one.





	1. The End of Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These ideas spook in my head for some time now. Please let me know what you think in the comments.

“That's going to be the best prank we've _ever_ pulled. You _have_ to help us, mate“, Sirius is bouncing in excitement, the long, dark summer forgotten in new plans with his best friends.

 

“You said that last year, too, when you hexed the shoes from all Slytherins in blue-bronze”, Remus states with crossed arms. The memory of that incident conjures a big smile in Sirius' face. 

 

“That prank was fucking brilliant, Moony”, James chimes in, “Nobody suspected us.”

 

“You almost started a house war with that”, Remus frownes. He isn't exactly wrong. After Slytherin lost its Quidditch game to Ravenclaw due to a really bad injured Seeker, tension in Hogwarts was really high. When suddenly all of Slytherins shoes were painted in Ravenclaws blue-bronze colors, the corridors weren't save anymore from all the curses thrown. The “almost house war” ended only when Dumbledore intervened. That was, after both headteachers started a duel while breakfast in the Great Hall.

 

“I'm pretty sure Dumbledore thought that arseholes did that to themselves, just because they're really bad losers”, Sirius says chuckling.

 

“I'm pretty sure Dumbledore saw right through this and never assumed that Slytherins or Ravenclaws had something to do with these shoes at all.”

 

“You're no fun, Moony”, Sirius whines and throws an arm around Remus' shoulder. Remus shots him an almost painful glance. Sirius steps back, feeling suddenly weird at the contact.

 

“This weekend is full moon. It's not like Remus will have time for thinking about pranks”, Peter whispers. Suddenly confronted with the full attention of all his three friends, Peters face starts to get really red: “I just guessed … Maybe we should not make it harder for him.”

 

“Thanks, Peter”, Remus says honestly, leaving Sirius with a sudden pang of jealousy.

 

“ _Of course_ I meant after full moon, when Moony is back to his right smart self”, he hurrys to conclude, shooting Peter an angry look.

 

Remus just gives him a weak smile: “No need to be uncharitable, Sirius. We know you can't remember stuff. You always forget your wand.” Remus is joking now, but Sirius can't laugh. He _always_ keeps on track with the moon dates. Even on summer holidays he always worries about his best friend. Remus should know, Sirius always wrote letters after full moon asking how he is. And Sirius is not one for letter friendships. He hardly writes James in summer holidays, and normally he can't live a day without talking James.

 

No need to explain why he never writes. When you have to live three months in a house you hate with people who hate you and let you know that on every occasion, you don't write letters to your best friends. They won't understand, not really, and in the end you have only two options: Bawling about your misery or lying to your friends.

 

The look in the eyes of his friends tells Sirius he's been quiet for too long. Shrugging, he walks past them to the door: “Don't know about you lot, but I'm starving. Maybe I can convince the house elves to give me some pastry.”

 

He doesn't look back when he walks down the stairs. After a short silence, footsteps follow him. According to their sound (yes, _of course_ Sirius can keep apart the footsteps from his friends, helps you a lot when sneaking out at night), it is James.

 

Sirius doubles his steps, not that it will help him with anything. James catchs him just in front of the Fat Lady. A few second graders shoot them curious glances.

 

“Hey, everything alright, mate?”, James mutters and flips his finger to the second graders. They hurry to flee. A wise choice, Sirius reckons.  


 

“Of bloody fucking course”, Sirius hisses, sounding everything but alright. No need to pretend, James can see right through him all the time. Sometimes Sirius wonders if that is just a really special ability of his best mate or if he is really so bad at hiding.

 

Thinking about the worried looks from Remus and Peter, it has to be the last one.

 

Fucking great.

 

“Look, I'm pretty sure Moony didn't mean it like that and he knows that you ...”

 

“Like what exactly, James?”, Sirius interrupts. James shoots him another long glance and sighs. Then he crabs Sirius by the collar and pulls him to one of the little bow windows. Sirius doesn't like that at all. It seems to expand in one of these "feels"-talks.  


 

“What?”, he moans.

 

“I know your summer was horrible and I know that you don't want to talk about it”, James starts and lifts his hand when Sirius opens his mouth, “But the summer is over and you need to relax. You are overly happy and in the next moment you are devastated.”

 

“I'm not devastated.”

 

“Yes, you are. And I understand that, your family is shit, your brother barely talks with you anymore and there is this thing with Moony, but ...”

 

“What thing with Moony?”

 

“... _But_ you have to focus on the good things. I know, that's probably a really bad advice ...”

 

“Probably? More like the worst advice in advice history”

 

“ … _But_ we still are you're friends and when you don't want to talk to us about this, then let us at least cheer you up.”

 

“What exactly didn't you get about the _best prank we ever pulled_ , James?”  


 

“Okay, now you do my head in, Si.”

 

“Just now?”, Sirius grins in triumph, glad he distracted James from all his serious talk.

 

Or so he thought.

 

“You know, I _am_ here when you want to talk ...”, James tries again with an almost hopeful look. Maybe he doesn't know Sirius at all.

 

“Yes, I am super ready to talk about our school start prank, James.”

 

James sighs, but doesn't try it again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could possibly be their best prank ever pulled? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> Kudos, Comments and Critique are very much appreciated.  
> This chapter was kind of short, but I hope to write more for the next ones. If you have special wishes or ideas how you want the story to develop let me know, maybe I can help :)


	2. Prankmakers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and James start to plan their next moves, much to the great displeasure of McGonagall. Next to "the best prank they've ever pulled", Operation Animagus joins their plans.

“ _That_ is your great plan for the best prank we ever pulled?”, James asks with a frown, pushing his glasses up his nose with one finger, “I don't know, mate ...”

  
  


“Oh I forgot that you are the prankmaker suddenly”, Sirius hisses. He doesn't know why James' words got him defensive. Normally, they plan every step together.

  
  


“First of all, _prankmaker_? I'm not sure that word even exists”, James wonders, before shooting a glance towards Remus, “We have to ask Moony later. He knows for sure.”

  
  


Sirius follows his glance and is once again struck by Remus' pale face, his chewed lips and his concentrated look. Of course, Remus is paying attention to whatever McGonagall is talking about, possibly memorizing every word. At every other person Sirius would be annoyed, but when it comes to Remus …

  
  


“He doesn't look good at all”, Sirius murmurs, more to himself than to James. James, being James, picks up his words immediately and nods: “The moon's coming. Only two days left.”

  
  


“Mr. Black and Mr. Potter, I would really appreciate if you were following my lesson”, McGonagalls voice chimes in. With an apologetic smile, that doesn't convince McGonagall at all, both boys move apart. When McGonagall starts to talk again, Sirius leans to James again, his plans for the prank temporarily forgotten.

  
  


“James, I was thinking … Do you remember what we talked about last year? We could make it. Maybe it would help him, you know, not being alone anymore at these nights.”

  
  


“You want to end his “alone wolf” days … or Nights?”, James chuckles. He glances to McGonagall, who is still talking about … Sirius has actually no idea, what she's talking about, but who cares? … Then James shoots him a wide grin: “It's bloody brilliant, Si. I'm in. I mean, we help him and at the same time we get all these new possibilities.”

  
  


“It's a win-win situation”, Sirius chuckles.

  
  


“Yes. It won't be hard to convince Peter, too”, James grins. When their eyes meet, they both know exactly what the other thinks. Of course Peter will follow them. He always does when James and Sirius ask him to.

  
  


Then a frown creeps into James' smile: “But we can't tell Moony. He will stop us and feed us to McGonagall alive when he ...”

  
  


“Mr. Black and Mr. Potter, _again_ ”, McGonagalls voice interrupts with a lecturing undertone. Both boys move apart for the second time, but their satisfied grins won't vanish till the end of the day.

 

 

* * *

  
  


“Isn't it kind of dangerous?”, Peter whispers with a worried frown. James and Sirius exchange surprised looks. Normally it's Moony who is the voice of reason. Now that he's not here, it seems to be Peter. Maybe fifth years means becoming a reasonable grown up, too.

  
  


If that's the case, James and Sirius ignore it intentional. It would be a great shame to let all these amazing plans rot instead of hexing shoes or lightning sheets (even if  _that_ one wasn't planned. They got detention for it, anyway).

  
  


“Of course. Otherwise every idiot would do it”, states Sirius at the same time James reassures: “Not when we plan it down to the smallest detail.”

  
  


Both of them frown and Peter looks really confused between them. Then, while fiddling with his sweater, Peter murmurs: “I think Rem' would be really happy if he didn't have to be alone there anymore.”

  
  


Sometimes Sirius thinks he gives Peter not enough credit. Then Peter does something really stupid and his thoughts are vanished. This time, however, he just smiles: “Yes. Just look how awful he is before full moon. And maybe he would come down from his self-hatred-trip.”

  
  


“You wish. But … ”, James starts with that sparkle in his eyes, that tells Sirius he planning again, “Think about all the possibilities, Petey! Sneaking around the castle at night will be much easier in animal form.”

  
  


“I don't know, mate. Depends on your animal form”, Sirius interjects, but James declines with a confident smile: “'Course I will transform into a fantastic animal, either something really sneaky or something really majestic. Something like a lion or …”

  
  


Both Peter and Sirius roll their eyes at James' words. Sometimes James is so confident, Sirius practically  _feels_ his perfectly loving family and his perfectly childhood behind his words. His smile is soaking with confidence you only get from nice wrapped Christmas gifts, hot chocolate on a snowy winter day and warm hugs from Mom and Dad.

  
  


Not that Sirius is jealous. Never.

  
  


“You could also transform in something really ugly. Like a nacktmull”, Sirius jokes, but he doesn't mean it. James is possibly right. Of course he will be something majestic and beautiful. Sirius on the other hand is not sure what he will be or even what he wants to be, not that he had a choice. The only animal form he ever thought of being impressive is a werewolf, but only because he wonders how Remus looks on full moon. He had never seen his friend in this shape, but with no doubt is Remus beautiful and dangerous at the same time.

  
  


Maybe that's not appropriate thinking for a best mate. With a sudden uneasy feeling Sirius pushes the thoughts away.

  
  


“I hope I transform in something clever”, Peter murmurs, “A weasel or an otter would be nice.”

  
  


“Yeah, we need someone smaller for handy work, too. That's going to be your job, then”, James kind of jokes, but something in his eyes gives him away. He really thought that through, Sirius notices. He's glad James is on his side. He would've done it all alone, just for Remus, but it's better this way. It's supposed to be this way, he thinks.

  
  


“Okay, so operation _Animagus_ begins. And guess what? We will have a lot of time this weekend without having to worry that Remus notices something, so I suggest we start then and there”, James says.

  
  


As the three boys starting to make plans and manage their schedules, Sirius can't keep himself from smiling. Maybe fifth year Hogwarts isn't so bad at all. Becoming an Animagus and pulling the best prank ever at least sounds like a good start after this horrible summer.

  
  


He just has to concentrate on this instead of thinking about Remus. Then everything will be alright. At least that's what Sirius tells himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think fifth year Hogwarts isn't so bad at all? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> Kudos, Comments and Critique are very much appreciated.


	3. May I introduce: James, the Idiot, and Sirius, the Annoying Little Prat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is moonstruck to Peters and Remus' amusement and Sirius' great horrify. So everything's pretty normal, if there wouldn't be this feeling whenever Sirius looks on a certain boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and Lily, the Genius, of course.

“Look at her hair. It's the softest, nicest hair I've ever seen. And I see your thatch everyday, Si”, James sighs and shoots a moonstruck glance along the Griffindor table.

  
  


Sirius, not even acknowledging the compliment in James' words, just rolls his eyes at this words. Remus gives him a weak smile that doesn't hide his exhaustion, but doesn't come for Sirius' rescue. To Sirius' great horrify, James just talks on: “She's great at potions, did you notice that? She's great in everything, but I have no chance against her in potions.”

  
  


“Yes, I noticed that”, Remus replies wryly. While James still pines, Peter whispers to Remus: “Didn't you work with Evans in potions last year?”

  
  


Remus chuckles in his own adoring way and glances to James, who is oblivious of his friends making fun of him: “Yes, I did. The whole year, to be exact. I  _ know _ she's good in potions.”

  
  


“Yeah, right?”, James suddenly chimes in, apparently only hearing the last bit of Remus' words, “She is a genius, mate.”

  
  


“She's not only that”, Remus states thoughtful, “She is also very nice. Helped me the whole year while I messed up every potion. She didn't even complain once.”

  
  


“Guys, when exactly the Marauders became a _Lily Evans Fanclub_?”, Sirius interrupts, suddenly getting really annoyed. He isn't used to James' missing attention. Normally, they would joke around Breakfast and make plans for the weekend, while Remus and Peter were laughing about their silly jokes. That's what it was like the last years and what was Sirius looking forward to the whole summer. The last weeks however James seems to be very distracted.

  
  


“Don't be an idiot, Si”, James murmurs and shoots him an irritated look. Sirius doesn't know why, but suddenly his good mood from the past day is gone. The bad cloud, that hung above him the whole summer, suddenly grows again.

  
  


“The only idiot here is you, James”, Sirius hisses. He notices that both Peter and Remus tense, shooting worried glances at him. They seem like they expected an outburst from him the whole morning and the last day, according to their meaningful looks, too.

  
  


A part of Sirius really wants to argue, to fight, even to smash something or someone. A small voice in his head whispers that maybe he shouldn't be around his friends in this mood, as long as he still wants them to be his friends. But the urge to relieve some of his stress is bigger, so he just shoots James a challenging look.

  
  


Unfortunately, James looks at him in the most unaffected way. It makes Sirius even more angry.

  
  


“Sirius, maybe you should ...”

  
  


“I should what? Seriously, I can't be the only one who is annoyed by your silly glances at Evans.” The anger inside him is boiling again and his mind is temporarily cut off.

  
  


“He's in love, Sirius. He can't help himself”, Remus chuckles a nervous smile, one that should be soothing. Something about his words make Sirius wonder if Remus knows how it is to be in love, if Remus is in love with some girl. It makes his stomach clench even more.

  
  


“Yes, I am in love. And it's fucking great, so you can either be happy for me or not”, James explains without any reaction shown in his face, but Sirius sees that James is gnashing his teeth. He knows he should stop here and then, but ...

  
  


“Even if she hates you and rejects you every time you ask her out?”, Sirius hisses.

  
  


James takes a long breath, gets up and leaves the table without another word. Sirius never felt so bad in his whole life.

 

 

* * *

  
  


It's not until a free period Sirius tries to talk to James again. He feels bad the whole day, especially when he notices Remus' and Peters supportive smiles for James. Both of them are keeping their distance from him, which is possibly for the best. It's getting worse when other people notice, teachers and other students shooting curious glances at them. McGonagall even stops her classes a few times, apparently expecting James and Sirius muttering. When she notices that both of them are deadly silent, she even looks kind of worried.

  
  


So when James walks out of the classroom, Sirius hurries after him. Remus and Peter don't try to follow, possibly wanting to give them space to sort everything out.

  
  


“James”, pants Sirius and grabs James by his arm. James turns around, a calm, but wary expression in his face.

  
  


“I didn't mean … At breakfast … About that, you know … I was ...”, Sirius stutters, kind of embarrassed. Even he himself has no glue what exactly was going on in his mind this morning. How should he explain that whole thing to James?

  
  


James sighs, an expression in his face that Sirius has seen a lot lately: “Look, mate. I told you before. You can talk to me. But ever since we got out of that train this year, you were an annoying little prat.”

  
  


"If that's the case, we fit together perfectly", Sirius jokes halfheartly, "You, the smitten idiot, and me, the annoying little prat."

 

"Sounds like a perfect match", James replies grinning, but then nods encouragingly. Sirius swallows and just stares at James. Long enough that James sighs _again_ and Sirius is starting to feel like the worst best friend ever. With a soothing voice, as if he didn't want to scare him away, James starts: “I talked to Remus and Peter. You barely wrote this summer, not to me and not to them. I know you asked Remus how he's been after full moon, but that was it.”

  
  


“My summer was shit. I said that much”, Sirius replays defensibly.

  
  


“I know”, James hastily says, “But … I just don't get it. If it were so bad, why didn't you write?”

  
  


Sirius lets out a loud, humorless laugh. Even in his own ears it sounds kind of creepy, but he doesn't care: “What, you think I'm lying? Right, James. Actually I had a really  _ great _ summer, I just didn't want you to know.”

  
  


“Sirius ...”, James tries to interrupt and his voice sounds so fucking earnest that Sirius can't stand it any longer: “You know nothing about that, James. You were with your Mom and your Dad, having a nice time as a perfect family, and you had everything you wanted ...”

  
  


“I don't have _everything_ I want”, James hisses.

  
  


“Oh right, Lily Evans. You poor little boy.”

  
  


“You know what, Sirius? You had a few bad months, but the reason you're feeling this bad right now is not only your family, it's you! You just can't accept your feelings ...”

  
  


“Oh, because you are the expert for feelings, right?”, Sirius interrupts sharply, because he doesn't want James to end his sentence. It's not like he knows how its about to end, anyway.

  
  


“I don't care about it, okay?”, James nearly yells, not caring about a few scared second graders who starting to flee suddenly. Wise choice, again. When did they become dangerous for younger students?

  
  


“I have no idea what you are talking about”, Sirius answers in the same volume.

  
  


James pants angrily, but apparently is still a better friend than Sirius, because his next words aren't shouted: “I talk about Remus. Your feelings about ...” James stops in the middle of his sentence, eyes suddenly going wide. Sirius would be glad that he never has to hear James' sentence finish, but something in James' look gives him a really bad feeling. With a clenching stomach, he turns around.

  
  


With a nasty and too knowingly grin, Severus Snape is standing right behind him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In your opinion, who's the real idiot in here? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> I'm sorry not to be sorry about that title. I like my characters, really!
> 
> Kudos, Comments or Critique are very much appreciated.


	4. Operation Animagus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Severus clash for the first time. James, Sirius and Peter are insane, at least in Remus' opinion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It probably isn't even a trigger, but I put some minor warnings in the notes at the end, so watch out for it.

“You little ...”, Sirius starts and draws his wand. Snape follows his gesture, but he is not as fast as Sirius. James, who normally takes every chance to hex Snape, looks horrified at Sirius. If Sirius were in his right mind, he would be, too. There is this cold feeling inside his chest that wants to wipe the smile from Snapes face. That wants to hurt him, to stop him from looking at Sirius the way he does now. He wants to forget James' stupid words about feelings.

  
  


“Wait, Sirius, you shouldn't...”, James calls and tries to stop him, but Sirius can't hear him. His mind is blank apart from this one feeling. His sight is completely focused on Snape and his body is shaking from the tension inside him.

  
  


He just wants everything to stop.

  
  


Snape has his wand now, but Sirius is faster. He points at him and doesn't even have to say anything. Snape tears off his feet and crashes against the next wall, a pained expression in his face. Blood is dripping from is hair and Sirius feels satisfied at this sight. He takes a few steps towards him and lifts his wand. Ready for his next charm, one that he received a lot from his parents. A charm that will hurt Snape in the same way Sirius' was hurting.

  
  


“Mr. Black, Mr. Potter!”, the voice cuts through the air. Without a doubt it is McGonagall, but for one moment all Sirius can think about is Snape, helpless lying before him. Snapes eyes are getting big when he looks in Sirius'. Whatever he sees in them turns his face even paler, his white skin in a sharp contrast to the red blood that is still dripping from his hair.

  
  


“Mr. Black!”, McGonagall warns at the same time James calls, “Sirius!”

  
  


With a last, hatred-filled look, Sirius lowers his wand and turns around.

 

 

* * *

  
  


After that incident James and Sirius both got detention for the next weeks, but Sirius doesn't find himself to care. Whenever Remus lectures them about hexing Snape together (no one knows that all of this is actually Sirius' fault, thanks to James) or Peter shoots them a judicial look, James rants about Snape. But without Remus or Peter nearby, he watches Sirius with worry in his eyes. James tries to hide it, but Sirius can see it whenever James looks at him. He hates that expression in his best friends eyes.

  
  


Even worse than that are Snapes knowing looks and his nasty grins. It took that bastard only two days to come out of the hospital wing, looking like _he_ is actually the winner of their fight. Sirius feels like he is about to explode, hexing Snape for good and probably the whole school with him.

  
  


The only good thing is their progress in how James calls it  _operation Animagus_ . Whenever Remus is not around, the three of them hang out in the library and do research. They even sneak in the Restricted Section a few nights, earning them rebuke from McGonagall for their constant yawning the next morning. Their researches take so much time, Sirius even forgets about this big prank he planned. For about two months Hogwarts is safe from the Marauders.

  
  


Of course, that gets them even more suspicious looks from the teachers and Remus, who tries to find out what they are planning on every possible occasion.

  
  


“You can't tell me you don't have something in mind”, Remus says with a neutral face, but the hurt expression in his eyes betrays him. Sirius curses himself for his own carelessness. They often tell Remus their plans late, so that he doesn't try to convince them otherwise. But two whole months without any pranks leaves Remus under the impression they keep him purposely out.

  
  


“We will show you”, Sirius promises, because he can't stand the sad look in Remus eyes anymore, “You just need to wait a little bit longer.”

  
  


“Seriously, that makes me worry even more”, Remus murmurs.

  
  


“It's going to be a surprise!”

  
  


“Even worse!”

  
  


“It's nothing dangerous”, Sirius starts, but then rethinks, “Okay, maybe it is a little bit dangerous, but we will be careful. You're going to like it, I promise.”

  
  


Remus shoots him one of these looks, but doesn't pry more.

  
  


It's almost Christmas when they finally have everything ready. They plan to start at Christmas holiday, when most students and teachers are gone. Sirius is excited and for the first time in months feels happy. He thinks about unboxing day and how Remus will look when they show him the greatest thing they've ever done.

  
  


With this thoughts he can almost forget the weird feeling in his chest when he sees his brother going home for Christmas, a happy smile in his face.

 

 

* * *

 

  
“Reeeeemus”, Sirius whispers. Remus turns around and groans: “Go away, Sirius.”

  
  


“But Remus”, Sirius pouts, “Everybody else is awake. They are waiting for you.”

  
  


“How on earth are you awake already?”, Remus mutters. Sirius has to hide his grin. Normally he oversleeps a few times a week, only making it on time for classes because Remus drags him down to Breakfast. Today, however, he was awake before the sun was up.

  
  


“We have a surprise for you”, Sirius whispers and has to stop himself from stroking Remus' hair. Remus turns around, blinking tiredly.

  
  


“A surprise?”, he asks suspicious, “You mean …?”

  
  


“Yes”, Sirius grins, “We are going to show you what we worked on. You're going to love it, Remy!”

  
  


Remus looks even more suspicious now. “I'm not sure if I even what to see it”, he mutters, but he starts to rise from his bed. Sirius waits impatiently while Remus dresses.

  
  


“Come on, nobody's here except from us”, he almost whines.

  
  


Remus blinks at him: “Where are the other student who stayed for Christmas?”

  
  


“Most of them are still sleeping”, Sirius says and then shoots him a wide grin, “And we chase away everybody else.”

  
  


Remus tries to hide his laugh at Sirius words, but Sirius sees right through him. Maybe it _is_ good to scare away second graders after all, he decides proudly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You are mad”, Remus states stunned, “You are totally mad.”

  
  


James grins his widest grin, Sirius bows a little bit, glowing in proud, and Peter smiles sheepishly. Remus stares at them like they turned into gnomes suddenly: "It's very dangerous. I don't know much about becoming an Animagus, but there is a reason why you should only do it supervised. You could have hurt yourself. You even could have killed yourself", Remus whispers.

 

"But we didn't", Sirius replies and gives Remus' a sincere smile. He expected as much. Remus was always their voice of reason, so Sirius awaits Remus to argue, to be aghast or even be angry. He didn't expected Remus to start laughing, honest and happiert than Sirius had ever heard him. Then, gasping for air, Remus utters: “You are bloody _insane_.”

  
  


“And you just found out?”, James asks innocently.

  
  


Remus shakes his head wordlessly, stares at them a little longer and then, suddenly, moves forward. He hugs James, first. When his arms comes around him, Sirius is still stunned.

  
  


Normally, Remus doesn't hug. Sirius is not sure whether Remus is a distant person because of this werewolf thing or just because he is like that, but Remus always keeps his distance. Unlike James, who throws himself at Sirius to every occasion, or even Peter, who hugs are shy, but sincere. So it is kind of understandable that Sirius is stunned when Remus hugs him with full force.

  
  


He has no time to bury himself in Remus' collar, not even to hug back. Remus is gone before Sirius mind catches on.

  
  


“You are the best friends”, Remus laughs loudly and freely, in a very Un-Remus-Way. Sirius loves how his brown eyes start to sparkle.

  
  


“So, do we get the award for the best friends in history?”, James jokes, but the expression in his face is earnestly.

  
  


“Definitely!”, Remus laughs, “And even more. I can't believe you did that. For me!”

  
  


“Everything for you, Moony”, Sirius whispers softly. Remus shoots him a weird look, one that lets Sirius' heart start to race.

  
  


“Peter even came with new names for everyone”, James says and ruffles Peters hair. Peter blushes at James' praise: “I thought … We needed names, something like Moony, you know?”

  
  


Blinking, Remus turns to away from Sirius and back to Peter. Sirius has a hard time to focus on his friends while they still joke around. Suddenly, he wishes Remus would've never look away.

  
  


“So I thought Sirius could be Padfoot”, Peter explains and Sirius barks a few times to emphasize Peter's words.

  
  


“Peter is Wormtail”, James continues, before he grins confidently, “And I am Prongs.”

  
  


Remus looks around and his eyes meets Sirius' again. His smile widens as he states: “That sounds great. It fits perfectly.”

  
  


Sirius can only agree.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Slightly mentions of parental abuse and violent fantasies.
> 
>  
> 
> What would be your Animagus form? Let me know about it in the comments!
> 
> This chapter was originally parted in two, but it was too short in my opinion. I hope you liked it, despite the big time jumps. I promise this won't be the last time Sirius and Snape collide.
> 
> Kudos, Comments and Critiques are very much appreciated.


	5. The Whole Atlantic Between Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things between Sirius and Severus heat up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put some minor trigger warnings in the note at the end.

Sirius' good mood from Christmas is over as soon as the holidays end. Hogwarts is full of students again, talking about their Christmas and their time at home, with their loving parents and thousands of presents. Sirius can't ignore the big smile in Regulus' face or his new broom he probably got for Christmas. James tries to sneak little gifts in Evans bag. Every time she catches him Lily starts to swear at James, but Sirius still sees the little smiles she tries to hide. She even looks kind of disappointed whenever James is occupied with Quidditch things, but her face lightens up when she gets even more or bigger presents after long Quidditch weekends.

  
  


Since last full moon, the first moon they spend together, Remus looks happier and more pleased than ever. It makes Sirius happy to see him like that, but it can't banish that bad feeling inside his guts. He even gets annoyed at Peter when he clumsily trips over Sirius' things, yelling at him and ending in a big fight with James, who stands up for Peter.

  
  


On top of that, Snapes smug smiles make his anger boiling. Sirius feels like he is about to burst into a million pieces.

  
  


It's after a really horrible Supper where Regulus got an owl from their parents and Sirius not, when things go straight downwards. Sirius meets Snape alone in the corridors and he can tell that Snape is in a really bad mood, too. Snape probably noticed all of James' little presents for Evans. Evans must finally got what a nasty little shit Snape truly is, because she hardly talks to him anymore since the start of the fifth year. Something in Sirius wonders if Snapes fifth year is as horrible as his own, but he pushes that thought away.

  
  


Right now, however, it is the perfect opportunity to let go.

  
  


“ _Snivellus_ ”, Sirius calls after him. Snape turns around, a furious expression in his ugly face.

  
  


“All alone today? Where are your boyfriends?”, Snape sneers. Something in Sirius stomach clenches again. He draws his wand, but his hands are shaking: “At least I have friends, unlike you, Snivellus.”

  
  


“Do you?”, Snape asks smugly. The question draws Sirius up short. When he doesn't get an answer, the nasty smile in Snapes face deepens: “Sure, they stayed friends with that Twat, even if he's ill once in a month like a girl ...”

  
  


“Take that back”, Sirius hisses and lifts his wand once again. His hands are still shaking from anger.

  
  


Snape laughs hollow: “Oh, defensive about him, are you? Do you think he still wants to cuddle you when he knows about your little secret?”

  
  


Sirius snorts with rage: “I have no idea what your creepy mind thought up ...”

  
  


“Oh, so you don't follow him with your eyes with every step he does? Do you keep your little fantasies to yourself or do share with Potter?”

  
  


Sirius' whole body is shaking now and based on the triumphant look in his eyes, Snape noticed.

  
  


“Tell me, when he disappears once in a month, do you and Potter follow him? Do you _help_ him trough his _illness_?”, the insnuation behind Snapes words is pretty clear. With a wide grin, Snape whispers, “But that would mean they knew about you. But they don't, do they?”

  
  


“You are a coward little shit, Snivellus”, Sirius hisses and takes a step towards Snape, “You have no idea what we do once in a month, and if you knew, you would piss your shabby pants.”

  
  


Snapes laugh is triumphant: “Tell me, Black. Or shouldn't I call you that? Regulus told me your parents didn't say a single word to you since August. It sounds like you'll piss your pants, because your stupid friends are the last ones talking to you. Soon, there won't be anybody left.”

  
  


And something in Sirius  _snaps_ .

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


Hogwarts Fifth Year IS the worst. There are no doubts about that anymore. In the last few years, Hogwarts became his home, his shelter from the disaster that is called his family. A place where he can spend all time with his friends, joking, laughing and forgetting about the long summers at home. This year, however, everything in Hogwarts seems to be as dark as home. And it's nobody elses fault than his own. He can't even blame Snivellus, even if he really wants to.

  
  


After this horrible incident at full moon, James and Remus don't talk to Sirius anymore. That is, after Remus yelled at him for almost half an hour. Sirius had never heard Remus shouting, but this time his normally so calm friend is furious. Maybe even worse than that is Remus' disappointed look or these  _damn_ sighs from James. In his heart Sirius knows both of them are right. Telling Snape about the secret passage to the Shrieking Shack was no harmless prank. He put Snapes life (as much as he hates that prick) as well in danger as Remus' secret. And he isn't a person who purposely lets his best werewolf-friend kill someone, even if that someone is the possibly most ugly, nasty little shit he's ever met. But in the end it was James who dragged Snape out of the passage and saved his life. It was Dumbledore who somehow forced Snape to keep Remus' secret. Sirius had nothing to do with it. He totally messed up.  


  
  


He feels even worse for Remus, who looks guilty every time he sees Snape, as if it would be  _his_ fault and not be entirely on Sirius. Sirius hates that look and wishes he could wipe it away, but to do that he would needed Remus to still talking to him.

  
  


But after Remus horrible shouts, Remus and James both start to ignore Sirius. He isn't used to not talking to James about every little detail in his life, so it shocks him to his bones that James just gives him the cold shoulder.

  
  


He sees the surprised, later even worried looks in the teachers faces when they start noticing. Normally, Remus wakes him up every morning, drags him down for Breakfast and to his classes. He would remind him of their homework and their essays. Now, however, Sirius oversleeps nearly every morning, has to leave out Breakfast and comes too late to almost every class. The first week most of the teachers take mercy on him. Then he gets detention for it, but he can't find himself to care anymore.

  
  


Maybe the biggest surprise is Peter, because he is the only one still talking to him. When James and Remus aren't near, he sits next to Sirius, helps him with homework and even tries to cheer him up. Sirius feels even worse. Peter of all people, who Sirius never gave enough credit, who he joked constantly about.

  
  


He feels like the worst person on earth.

  
  


He starts to work on the plans for their prank, a prank you would need four people. It's stupid and kind of hopeless, but it occupies his thoughts, draws them to something better, so he works on it as if James, Remus and Peter would forgive him anytime soon.

  
  


He feels even more pathetic at night, when all Marauders are in their beds, soundly sleeping. They only seem to be a few feet away from him, but it feels like the whole fucking Atlantic lies between them. Sirius cries himself to sleep. He's sure the others noticed, but nobody makes an effort to soothe him. Eventually, he understands why.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Slightly use of homophobic language
> 
>  
> 
> Why did Sirius tell Snape about the Shrieking Shack? That's what I've always wondered, because Sirius was an idiot, but never a murderer. I wished we would have find out more about that in the books. What do you think? Let me know about it in the comments.
> 
> Please feel free to leave a comment or Kudos or give Critique.


	6. An Advice From An Unexpected Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius gets an advice from one of Hogwarts' greatest witches. Of course, she understands Sirius' problem with only one look, even though Sirius himself has still no glue about it.

Sirius knows he is really fucked when even Lily Evans tries to intervene. On a late Sunday evening, she suddenly sits down next to him in the Common room. Sirius looks up from his transfiguration essay he should hand over tomorrow. Thanks to Peter he didn't forget it completely.

  
  


“I don't know what happened between you guys, but Remus feels awful. You should talk to him”, Evans states as if anything of this would be her business. Sirius is pretty sure it's the first time she ever talked with him apart from greetings or a few mumbled words in classes.

  
  


“Let me know when he wants to talk to me”, Sirius replies wryly. When their eyes meet, the hard look in Evans eyes change to something almost sympathetic. Sirius doesn't want to know why. He probably looks shit, with red rimmed eyes and a pale face. Yesterday was full moon and he stayed alone in the dorms while his friends left to the Shrieking shack without giving him as much as a glance.

  
  


“Maybe you should try do the first step”, Evans suggest softly, but then she frowns, “You know, ever since your … fight his monthly _illness_ got even worse.”

  
  


It takes a few moments for Sirius to catch up what she said. Then his head jerks up and he stares at her terrified. Evans just shrugs: “I've known it since last year, when Remus and me worked together in potions. No need to worry about me, I wouldn't tell.”

  
  


Sirius stares at her a little longer, before he lets his shoulders drops: “Sniv … Snape knows, too. Thanks to me.”

  
  


“What? You told him?”

  
  


“Not exactly”, Sirius winces. He isn't sure why he even tells her. He's pretty sure Lily Evans wasn't his biggest fan before that, but telling her his latest and possibly worst stupidity won't look good for his behalf. It will probably only lead to one person more who shows him their cold shoulder.

  
  


“I wanted him to stop. I didn't think of Remus at that moment, so I kind of challenged Snape to come to the Shrieking Hat at Full Moon”, he confesses shameful.

  
  


“More like you didn't think at all by the sound of it”, Evans hisses and shakes her head in utter disbelief, “I knew you hate him, but that? Poor Remus is fighting his guilty feelings because his so called friends ...”

  
  


“James had nothing to do with it”, Sirius interrupts, because now that he started, he can also tell the whole truth, “He even saved Snape when he found out what I did. Dragged him out of there.”

  
  


“Ah, so that's why he isn't talking to you, either. He has some senses, I guess. I didn't trust him with that.”

  
  


Sirius stays silent and stares at his essay. He wishes Evans would leave him alone.

  
  


Evans, however, seems to have no intentions to do so: “So, you messed up big. You've got another student almost killed, you put Remus' identity and his conscience in danger and now all of your friends don't talk to you anymore. But all you do is sitting here and bathing in your own misery?”

  
  


“It's not like I didn't try”, Sirius protests. Some part of him asks why he even argues with Evans. It's not her business, after all. But an even bigger part is glad someone is talking to him, even if it's Evans.

  
  


“Well, apparently you didn't try enough. Did you apologize?”, Evans asks without hesitation. When Sirius opens his mouth for a ironic answer, she talks on, “I don't know you very well, Black, but Remus told me enough. You aren't the greatest at words or apologies, for that matter. You should ...”

  
  


“Remus talked to you about me?”, Sirius interrupts.

  
  


“Yes. In case you didn't notice, Remus and I became good friends last year. Unlike his friends”, with this words she shoots Sirius a meaningful look, “Remus is quite nice.”

  
  


Sirius didn't know about that and he's pretty sure James doesn't know, either. He feels embarrassed and guilty at the same time that he didn't notice. Remus always had a hard time finding friends. Lily Evans had to be the first real friends aside from the Marauders. As it seems, she's actually even a better friend for Remus than Sirius. Well, if that's not surprising.

  
  


It wasn't exactly what Sirius meant with his question. He chews on his lips and asks: “I'm just surprised that you two talked about me at all.” He tries to say it in a very casual voice, but he fails miserably.

  
  


The look in Evans eyes tells something between _Is he really that stupid?_ and _Yes, apparently he is_. With an amusing smile she answers: “He wasn't exaggerating. You _are_ that oblivious.”

  
  


“What do you mean?”, Sirius asks confused, but Evans just shakes her head. She starts to get up and grins at him: “You should really apologize, Black. But mean it this time.” She nods at his essay, “And maybe you should think about your last passage, again. Your answer about Switching spells is wrong.” She gives him a last look, one that sees directly in Sirius' mind. Sirius wonders if she mastered legilimency without anybody noticing. With that she leaves a stunned Sirius alone in the Common Room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think Lily and Remus talked about? And, of course, is he really that stupid? Let me know in the Comments!
> 
> Leave a Comment, Kudos or Critique if you want to.


	7. Cutting The Strands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius gets an unwelcome letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch out for the warnings in the notes at the end.

When Sirius wakes up the next morning, James, Remus and Peter are already gone. He hurries out of bed, stumbles over Peters Quidditch magazines (why does he need so many even though he doesn't play?) and sprints to the bathroom. Ten minutes later he decides to risk detention for the benefit of his growling stomach.

  
  


Most of the tables in the Great Hall are empty, the students already on their way to their classes. With some batting eyelashes, the house elves even leave him some food for breakfast. He gulps down his porridge and considers how he should apologize to Remus.

  
  


This time, he wants to do it properly, like Evans advised him to do. He even makes up a little speech for later. He'll confess to Remus how much their friendship means for him and how stupid it was to risk everything for revenge. Then, he ponders, he will apologize to James as well. Maybe even to Peter. If everything goes as he plans it, they will already sit together in the Common room this evening, joking and planning their big prank. A smile creeps in his face while he thinks about the four of them: James will sit next to Sirius on the couch, a confident grin in his face, his glasses a little bit crooked on his nose. James and Sirius will do the biggest share of talking, while the other two are listening. Peter will sprawl in the old armchair next to the fire, watching Sirius and James with big, admiring eyes. And then there will be Remus, sitting on the ground and leaning on Sirius' legs. Remus won't say much, but he'll always listen to what Sirius has to say and give him these little, sincere smiles that make Sirius so happy.

  
  


All he has to do is apologize. He has everything already planned out. Sirius is sure they will forgive him and then all will be like it was before …

  
  


The screech of an owl interrupts Sirius' thoughts. Startled, he looks up and recognizes the black owl from his family. A roll of parchment lands in front of him. A moment later, the owl is gone, disappeared in the blue morning sky.

  
  


With a growing, bad feeling, Sirius stares at the letter from his family. He hadn't heard from his parents since September, when he left for Hogwarts. They didn't ask why he never came home for Christmas and he was glad about it.

  
  


Regulus, on the other hand, gets on owl almost every week. A small feeling in his mind hopes the old owl just messed them up and this letter is originally for his brother. And then there is also this really stupid desire in his head that wishes his parents actually care enough about him to write a letter in the first place.

  
  


When Sirius takes the parchment, his hands are shaking. He suddenly feels sick from the Breakfast he ate and really wants to throw up. His body feels like it is about to tear apart from the tension. His thoughts are rotating.

  
  


_This summer. I hate them for what they did. They don't care about me._

  
  


_But maybe they want to apologize. Maybe they didn't mean to …_

  
  


_I don't want to read this._

  
  


He has never felt that afraid in his whole life. Suddenly, he wishes Remus was here. Or James. Maybe even Peter. He shouldn't think this bad about Peter, he was his only friend in the last weeks, his mind thinks absently.

  
  


Finally, he opens the letter. He recognizes the handwriting of his mother. With paused breath, he starts to read.

  
  


 

* * *

  
  
  


“I tell you, she _smiled_ to me at charms.”

  
  


“Maybe you are … _charming_ her.”

  
  


“ _Charming her_? Seriously, Peter? This one was pretty awful”, there is a quiet sigh, “I guess we have to work on your joking. You need to catch up.”

  
  


“James”, a third voice whispers, “Peter isn't him. He can't ...” The voice stops abruptly. Sirius knows why. He is lying on his poster bed, but he didn't tear away his look from the ceiling when his three best friends enter the rooms. Instead, he rolls on his side and shows them his cold shoulder.

  
  


There is a long silence, which is only broken when James suddenly hisses: “And  _where_ were you the whole day? We had to make something up. Apparently, you have a stomach flu.”

  
  


Sirius turns around and looks daggers at James: “Oh,  _thanks_ , mate.”

  
  


James crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow: “So? Where were you?”

  
  


“I don't think it's you business”, Sirius replies coldly. James takes a few steps towards him, but Remus intervenes: “Sirius, are you alright? I really don't want to offend, but you look bad.”

  
  


Something about these words make Sirius even angrier. Maybe it's the fact that Remus asks him something like that, although they all know Sirius had a pretty hard time the last weeks. Maybe it's Remus' soothing voice. Maybe it's the way Remus looks at him, as if he actually cares, which he doesn't. After all, he walked out on Sirius like everybody else did.

  
  


But maybe it's because Sirius knows it'll be for the best when their friendship ends. Right now and here. There is no way he can stay friends with any of the Marauders anymore, especially Remus. Sirius couldn't bear to see their disgusted looks when they find out. But even if they weren't disgusted and still stayed his friends, Sirius couldn't let anything bad happen to them.

  
  


He takes a long breath and says coldly: “Actually, I feel  _great_ . I finally figured it out.”

  
  


“What exactly did you figure out?”, James asks, his arms still crossed. Meanwhile, Remus and Peter share a worried look. Sirius needs them to stop worrying about him.

  
  


“That I'm better off without you”, Sirius replies with a forced smile.

  
  


“Oh? How so?”, James looks at him like he's gone mad. Remus has a frown on his face and Peter glances between him and James, a frightened expression in his eyes.

  
  


Sirius takes another deep breath and walks towards James. His best friends builds himself up, but Sirius isn't afraid anymore. He already lost everything.

  
  


“You held me back”, Sirius explains, “I can't believe I was stupid enough to follow you, James. You let everybody think you're such a cool, bold guy, but actually you are a sappy idiot who searches for approval. Your biggest fear is that people would see that there is _nothing_ behind that facade.”

  
  


“Is that all you've got?”, James asks, but he clenches his teeth. Sirius lets out a hollow laugh which, in some really weird way, almost sounds like Snapes laugh at Sirius a few weeks ago. He sounds like a cornered animal.

  
  


“Lily Evans will never go on a date with you”, Sirius tries again.

  
  


James shakes his head: “That's pretty low, even for you, Pads.”

  
  


“No, you don't understand”, Sirius replies quietly, “Evans won't ever go on a date with you. But not because she hates you, which she probably even does. No, it's because you won't ever _really_ ask her. You are so scared to get rejected, you rather bug her, knowing she can't and won't say yes to this, than ask her properly. So you will continue try to joke her into a date and she will continue to think you're only joking. Eventually, she will find someone, go on a date, maybe even get married, and all you will do is watching it from the sideline. You're _pathetic_.”

  
  


James paled, obviously hurt at this words. He doesn't say anything, but he looks at Sirius like he sees a stranger.

  
  


_Good. That's good,_ Sirius reassures himself, but he feels awful.

  
  


After a long silence, Peter whispers: “Mate, that wasn't cool.”

  
  


Sirius snorts sarcastically: “Oh, now you have the courage to raise your voice? Normally, James or me do that for you. That's why you hang around with us, don't you?”

  
  


“That's not true!”, Peter responds upset at the same time Remus intervenes: “Sirius, what's wrong with you? You aren't yourself tonight. Did something happen?”

  
  


James still keeps quiet, which is probably for the best. Sirius would've never thought ending their friendship would be this exhausting. There is only one strand to cut left.

  
  


“Always the one you can depend on, Moony”, Sirius starts, but Remus shakes his head: “Don't, Sirius. Don't try to push me away.”

  
  


Sirius meets Remus eyes and for a tiny moment he wants to confess everything. Then he remembers what his friends will think about him if they know the truth and what will happen when his parents find out he's still friends with them. There is no way back.

  
  


“Just leave me alone”, Sirius replies exhausted, “But this time, for good.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of Self-hatred, parental abuse and homophobia
> 
>  
> 
> Do you understand Sirius? Let me know about it in the Comments.  
> I would love to hear your opinion about this chapter, so please feel free to leave a Comment, Kudos or Critique. I'm sorry about all the angst, but I guess Sirius would react like that, pushing everybody away.


	8. All Alone His Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily tries to talk sense into Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the warnings in the notes at the end.

“You wanted to apologize to him!”, Evans sounds angry when she sits down next to Sirius in the Great Hall. Sirius continues to stare at his Dinner and shrugs: “No, _you_ wanted me to apologize. I've never said I would.”

  
  


“You've never …”, Evans repeats and then hisses, “Are you stupid? He would've forgive you. How can you do that to him, to your best friend?”

  
  


“He's better off without me”, Sirius mumbles, still staring at his Dinner. In the next moment, he is yanked around when Evan grabs his arms and forces him to look at her. Her green eyes are really beautiful, Sirius thinks absently. She's clever and really stubborn. He understands why James likes her so much.

  
  


“He's better?”, she looks daggers at him, which makes Sirius wince, “He's _devastated_. He has no idea why you push him away suddenly. He tries to make sense of it, but apparently you chose to be an asshole.”

  
  


When Sirius doesn't answer, she just talks on: “I can't stand James, but even I had pity on him this morning. He looked like he cried himself to sleep.”

  
  


Sirius' stomach turns at this words. James normally doesn't cry. He's too strong for that, unlike Sirius.

  
  


“And Peter”, Evans continues, “He never speaks much, but it seems he totally lost his words. He didn't say anything the whole day. Do you feel good listening to that?”

  
  


“'Course not”, Sirius mumbles and lowers his eyes at Evans' merciless look.

  
  


“So what's the matter with you? Why did you behave like an asshole? I may not like you, but I know you love your friends. How could you do that to them?”

  
  


Sirius just stares at the ground, not answering her questioning look. He can't explain it to her, can he? He would have to tell her everything: Why he's a disgusting creep and how Snape and his parents found out about it, how he really feels for her friend Remus and why he can't go back to his parents anymore. And, of course, what really happened last summer at home.

  
  


There is no way he could tell her the truth. So he just shrugs again and comes with the worst lie he has ever told: “I thought I could cope with it, but I can't. I can't stay friend with a werewolf.”

  
  


Evans remains silent, so he tries to elaborate his lie: “Look, my whole life I learned how dangerous they are. And I know Remus is a good guy. But once in a month he's one of them and I can't cope with that. It's not right.”

  
  


Evans just stares at him and Sirius feels suddenly frightened at her cold eyes scanning right through him. Her voice is merciless when she finally starts to talk: “I can't believe you use Remus as an excuse. Don't you dare ever telling him this stupid lie.”

  
  


“I'm sorry”, Sirius mumbles and tries to stand up, but Evans grabs his arm again: “Alice saw you at Breakfast yesterday. She said you've got an owl”, When Sirius still doesn't say anything, Evans continues, “You didn't get an owl the whole year. Why now of all sudden?”

  
  


Sirius isn't surprised other students noticed the absent letters from his parents for him, especially when his brother still gets weekly owls. But, of course, Evans is able to connect the dots and see right through him. He has to go, before she gets even more out of him.

  
  


“Just … leave me alone, _please_ ”, he pleads and tries to free his arm, but she tightens her grip around his arms.

  
  


“You changed”, Evans says eventually. Sirius looks up in her eyes, confused: “What?”

  
  


“You changed”, she repeats with a sudden worried look in her eyes, which Sirius has never seen at her, “I noticed when I saw you in the train in September. You are different than you were before.”

  
  


“Different to what? To July?”, Sirius asks her confused, “That were only about two months.”

  
  


“Yes, only about two months holidays, at home”, Evans replies calmly. Sirius shakes his head defensively. Evans pats his shoulder, which is kind of awkward, until he notices his whole body is shaking.

  
  


“I'm fine, alright? No need to worry”, Sirius finally tries to make her stop worrying, “Why are you here, anyway?”

  
  


Evans doesn't even blink: “Remus is my friend. And unfortunately you're his friend.”

  
  


Sirius shakes his head: “No, that's not about Remus. If you wanted to help Remus, you would be with him, telling him he's better off without me, because that's the damn _truth_. But you are here, doing my head in ...”

  
  


“I'm here, because I somehow believe you aren't such a bad guy.”

  
  


Sirius lets out a laugh that almost sounds like a sob: “Then you're wrong. I terrorize other students. I scare away second graders. I'm a shitty friend. I'm nothing like James.”

  
  


“No, you are not”, Evans agrees and Sirius is glad she finally gets it, even if it means she hates him now. It's for the best, he tries to convince himself.

  
  


But then Evans talks on and her words sound nothing like hate: “You're right, you are different than James. Still, you don't _terrorize_ other students and usually you are a good friend.”

  
  


“You remember when Snape was in the hospital wing before Christmas?” When Evans nods, he continues, “That was me. I hexed him 'till he bleeded. Still convinced that I'm a good guy, after all?”

  
  


Evans takes a deep breath before she answers: “I guess he wasn't exactly innocent in this. Anyway, I always wondered why you hate him so much. I understood why James couldn't stand him, but you? Then I saw how you look at him, how you watch him when you think nobody else sees it. And I got it. You hate Sev' because he reminds you of yourself, at least some parts of him. You both had a horrible childhood and probably terrible parents. You were both alone your whole life and all you want is to belong somewhere, to have a family. But while you became one of the most popular students in Hogwarts with really great friends, Sev' stayed alone. You hated him and you were disgusted by him, because you damn well know you could have been in his place, too.”

  
  


“What?”, Sirius utters in disbelief, “Snivellus and me are nothing alike! I … I'm not one of these so called _pure-bloods_.”

  
  


Evans sighs: “Severus took the wrong choice. But aren't you about to do the same?”

  
  


“I'm not a Slytherin. I won't become one of these Muggle-haters who only marries a true pure-blood.”

  
  


“Stop it with this house-hate already”, Evans replies sharply, “That has nothing to do with being a Slytherin. I don't like Sev's new friends, either. That's not what I meant, anyway. You chase away your only friends. But we both know Remus won't leave it like that. He won't stop until you tell him the truth. So, in the end, you only have two options: Telling him the truth, which, in my opinion, means he will stay your friend for sure. Or telling him a lie that hurts him enough to stay away from you. He'll believe he doesn't deserve friends and will hate himself for it. Is that really what you want?”

  
  


The simple answer to Evans question was no, no he doesn't want Remus to hate himself. He wants to show his friend how much he's worth it, how precious he is for Sirius. But that's exactly the problem, right? Remus will know. He'll be disgusted when he finds out about Sirius' true feelings. And there are still his parents, to whom Sirius has to go back in a few months. There is that letter and the disgusted words from his mother. The whispers behind his back, when his brother told them the truth about him. There are still the memories from last summer. The feeling about being not good enough, being weak, being all alone. And all of it is his fault, all alone.

  
  


Suddenly, everything is too much. He can't stand the guilt and hate and loneliness any longer. He frees his arm and whispers: “I have to go. I need to be alone. I'm sorry. I just … can't anymore.”

  
  


With that, he stumbles out of the Great Hall, not even noticing the worried looks from his three friends on the other end of the table.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mention of Self-hatred, parental abuse and homophobia
> 
>  
> 
> Why does Sirius hate Snape so much? Let me know in the comments!  
> I appreciate all Comments, Kudos or Critique, so feel free to share your opinion.


	9. Be Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius confronts his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the warnings in the end notes.

“Let's talk, little brother”, Sirius hisses under his breath and yanks Regulus away in an abandoned corridor. He doesn't even care about Regulus' stupid Slytherin friends, who draw their wands at him. Even though Sirius is willing to fight, they unfortunately don't dare to hex him. So a few moments later, Sirius and Regulus are alone in the corridor at the second floor.

  
  


“Let me go!”, Regulus mutters and tries to free his arms, but Sirius tightens his grip and looks his brother dead in the eye: “You told them, you snitch?”

  
  


“I don't know what you're talking about”, Regulus hisses and tries again, but Sirius is stronger. His fingers probably leave bruises on his brothers skin, but he can't find himself to care. His chest is burning with anger.

  
  


“You know damn well what I'm talking about. You told them! After what happened last summer ...”, Sirius isn't capable finishing his sentence, but Regulus understands him anyway. The look in the eyes of his brother is fearful, as if Regulus is afraid of him. Sirius curses and releases Regulus' arms. He didn't notice until now that he is shaking, again.

  
  


Regulus takes a deep breath and straightens out his clothing. He looks at Sirius with this damn big eyes when he starts to talk: “They would've find out anyway.”

  
  


“No, they wouldn't”, Sirius interrupts sharply, “But you _had_ to tell them, right? So you'll still be the perfect son, mommy's and daddy's little favorite.”

  
  


Regulus shakes his head: “No, it's not like that. I wanted to help you, I swear.”

  
  


“Oh, _thanks_ , little brother”, Sirius replies wryly, “You helped me damn well.”

  
  


“It's not my fault you keep company with these people”, Regulus defends himself, “You know Mom and Dad don't like that. That's why they were so angry at you.”

  
  


“So it's my fault what they did last summer?”, Sirius nearly yells. There is a long silence after that, until Regulus finally whispers: “I mean, it kind of is.”

  
  


Sirius breaths heavily and his stomach is aching. He feels angry at Regulus' words, upset even, but a nasty voice in his head whispers that his brother is right. It is his fault, after all. Not because he's friends with James, Remus and Peter, even though his parents aren't pleased with that. But while James, Remus and Peter are true friends, his feelings are different, at least for Remus. Maybe all of what happened last summer is some kind of punishment for that.

  
  


“Sirius”, Regulus whispers again, because Sirius didn't say a single word, “Maybe … Maybe you should try to be better. Stop hanging around with them, especially _him_. And then everything will be alright. Mom and Dad will calm down and it'll be like before.”

  
  


Sirius' head is spinning. He doesn't know what to do. Some really irrational thoughts in his head wish Remus was here, so he could ask him for advice. Remus would know what to do. He's their voice of reason, after all. But Sirius is alone and he can't ask for help, especially not Remus.

  
  


“I don't think Mom and Dad will calm down”, he finally confesses, “I keep my distance from … from all of them, but I don't think it'll be enough to please Mom and Dad. I can't change enough for them to be good, Reg.”

  
  


“You have to try, at least”, Regulus begs, but Sirius shakes his head: “I'm sorry, little brother.”

  
  


He isn't sure why he's even apologizing. Regulus became all he started to despise: He got sorted into Slytherin, hangs around with pure-bloods and Muggle-haters, ignores Sirius at school and became his parent's favorite. Still, he's Sirius little brother. He sneaked in Sirius' bedroom last summer, after that terrible fight with his parents, and cried himself to sleep. Sirius held him the whole night, consoling him, as if it wasn't his own body aching and full of pain. In some weird way, his brother shed the tears Sirius couldn't find himself to loose.

  
  


Sirius looks at his brother and he feels regret that he'll loose him for good. There is no way to change that, no way that their different paths won't collide. They both decided a long time ago and they can't go back to where they were.

  
  


He's the last strand, Sirius sees now. The last strand he has to cut. He feels afraid of cutting it, but it'll be for the best. Regulus shouldn't be torn between his parents and Sirius, he shouldn't cry himself to sleep for Sirius.

  
  


With a last smile, Sirius tousles Regulus' hair and says goodbye: “Tell Mom and Dad I won't come back. Not ever again.”

  
  


When he hears his brother calling after him, he doesn't look back. He has never felt this relieved in his whole life, but at the same time his heart is filled with a bursting melancholy for his lost brother.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of parental abuse, self hatred and homophobia.
> 
>  
> 
> Do you think Sirius and Regulus could have been friends, when things were different?  
> Please leave a Comment, Kudos and Critique. I'm happy to hear about your opinion.


	10. The Whomping Willow And The Wayfarer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius tries to scoot. It doesn't go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the warnings at the end notes.

The Common room and the dorms are still empty when Sirius walks in through the painting of the Fat Lady. Everybody is still in the Great Hall at Dinner, laughing and joking with their friends. He knows James, Remus and Peter are there, too, probably listening to James' rapture about Lily Evans, talking about their Potions essay for next week or maybe even planing their next prank. Hogwarts was save from their pranks in the last weeks, though, to the delight of the teachers. If James wants to keep up with his reputation, he'll need to do his next move soon.

  
  


Sirius enters their dorm rooms and takes a long look. James' unmade bed is a mess, almost as chaotic as Sirius' own, with books, parchment rolls and Quidditch books lying around everywhere. Remus' bed, in contrast to this, is neatly tidied up. His books are very well sorted, his Potions essay already finished on top of them and his diary peeks out from under his pillow. Peter has nicked chocolate and gathered a remarkable collection of sweets in his bed, next to a huge stack of Quidditch magazines. Everything is so familiar to Sirius that his heart is aching at the sight.

  
  


With a deep breath, he walks to his bed and starts to stuff a few things in his bag: Clothing, a few Muggle magazines about motorcycles, some of Peters chocolate bars and an old photo of the four of them from the end of first year, shortly before Sirius had to go back home after finding friends and a family, for the first time. Finally, he also takes this damn letter from his parents, because he doesn't know what else to do with it and it's all he got left from his parents, after all.

  
  


When he's finished, he takes a last look around. His eyes get stuck on Remus' bed. Without a second thought, he stumbles to Remus' bed, takes one of his old knitted sweaters and stuffs it into his bag, too. He's probably pathetic, but nobody's here to see him, so why try wasting power to pretend?

  
  


A few moments later, Sirius has packed everything that was important in his old life. Without looking back, he leaves their shared dorm, which was more of a home than Sirius' room at Grimmauld place, behind.

  
  


 

* * *

  
  


  
  


Sirius had a plan when he left the protective walls of Hogwarts. It wasn't very thought trough, possibly couldn't even be called a _plan_ at all, but it was enough for him when he left. Of course, he discards his plan as soon as he sees the Whomping Willow, rising to the sky like a crippled old witch with long, dark fingers. The Whomping Willow is the evidence for their great friendship, for what they've done for Remus and for what Sirius would do for him, especially.

  
  


He just stands there, staring at the tree and his body is filled with a sudden feeling of emptiness. His plan was to leave everything behind, live the life of a never settling down Wayfarer. He wanted to never look back. He wanted to forget about his lost brother, the worried look in the eyes of his friends, the hurt in Remus' face after Sirius used him to take revenge on Snape and this one, last summer, when his parents went too far.

  
  


But standing here, at the at the foot of the Whomping Willow, the symbol of their friendship, he's filled with a sudden certainty that he won't forget. Even worse, how can he crave for oblivion when he's sure his friends will find his empty bed and his cleared wardrobe soon?

  
  


_We both know Remus won't leave it like that. He won't stop until you tell him the truth. So, in the end, you only have two options: Telling him the truth, which means he will stay your friend for sure. Or telling him a lie that hurts him enough to stay away from you. He'll believe he doesn't deserve friends and will hate himself for it. Is that really what you want?_ Lily Evans' words echoes in his mind, leaving a bitter taste. He chose a third path, one Evans didn't even think about, probably because she thinks too high of Sirius to do something so cowardly. Sneaking out when everybody else is still in the Great Hall, like a disgusting little coward.

  
  


Sirius thinks of the photo he stuffed in his bag earlier. It shows him smiling proudly, an arm around James' shoulder, whose hair was windswept even back then, when he wasn't playing Quidditch all the time. Peter is on James' left, grinning his biggest grin. On Sirius' right, a few inches away as always, Remus shows a shy smile, an expression of surprise in his face, as if he still wonders how he could have find these friends.

  
  


And one of these so called friends is sneaking out now, like the coward he is, betraying the Marauders. Sirius' hands tighten around the straps of his bag and for the first time in weeks, his body isn't shaking. His mind is free when he turns around to face Hogwarts again.

  
  


He may be disgusting and a creep, but he's not a coward and he will face his problems, Sirius decides. There is no way he …

  
  


In the middle of his inner monologue, his feet stumble over a root and he's very ungracefully falling. Cursing, he tries to pick himself up. He probably teared his palms in the whole process, but a few moments later, he's at least sitting upright again.

  
  


Above him, there's a long moan. The hairs in Sirius' neck line up at this noise. Shocked, he looked up to see he's right under one of the big branches of the Whomping Willow.

  
  


“Oh, Merlins Bollocks”, he mutters and tries to stand up. The long moan suddenly stops and is replaced by a loud rush that Sirius doesn't like at all. Wavering, he gets up and makes the mistake to put his head back and look up again.  


  
  


The Whomping Willow is moving, the branches are shaking and Sirius knows he's fucked. His eyes get big when one of the big branches snaps down to him, possibly soon going to crush him under its weigh. He just stands there, mouth agape and freezed in his shock.  


  
  


Then, suddenly, two hands take a grip on him and yank him away from the Whomping Willow. Sirius stumbles down to the ground again, coughing and shaking. A second later, a loud  _whum_ shakes the ground under his hands and knees. Again, hands grab him and move him away, until Sirius is lying on his back, breathing hard. Shocked, he stares up in two eyes. They're in a soft brown and filled with unruffled tears.

  
  


“You _idiot_ ”, Remus shouts, his voice shaking with anger and fear. The grip around his collar tightens when Remus yanks him up, so Sirius is forced to look at him.

  
  


“What was all that about? Have you lost your mind?”, Remus yells. Sirius is shocked. It's the second time he has ever hear Remus shouting and it's not something he wanted to experience at all. He tries to calm Remus down, to explain what actually happened, but Remus is far too gone to let Sirius speak more than a word: “Lily told us you came unglued. We wanted to check on you and found your stuff all gone. Have you got any idea how that felt? Without the Map, we would've never find you.”

  
  


“Moons ...”, Sirius starts, but he's interrupted by Remus' rattling, “Then we found you here and … What were you about to do? Have you totally lost your mind? I can't believe you are selfish enough to even try something like that.”

  
  


“ _Remus_ ”, Sirius tries again, this time sharply enough to stop Remus. His friend looks at him with a furious expression, but Sirius can see the hurt and fear behind his eyes. Careful, he places one of his teared palms on Remus' cheek and strokes it: “It wasn't what it looked like. _I swear_. I realized how stupid this whole plan was and I wanted to go back, but then I stumbled over a root and fell.”

  
  


There is a long silence, in which Remus just stares at him. Sirius grabs the chance and looks around. James and Peter are there, too. James is watching him with a frown in his face, his arms crossed and he looks like he's about to sigh again. Peter, on the other hand, looks frightened and smiles when he notices Sirius' glance. Sirius is thankful for that.

  
  


When he dares to look back to Remus, his friend looses his grip around Sirius' collar. He shoots him a warning look and gets up: “You _are_ an idiot. You'll come with us back to the dorms and then you will talk. I don't care whether you talk to me, James, Peter, Lily or even someone else, but _you_ _will talk_.”

  
  


With that said, Remus offers him his hand. His eyes seem to pierce Sirius. After a moment, Sirius takes his hand and lets Remus help him up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: A misunderstanding leads to Remus thinking Sirius tried to kill himself. Also, there are minor mentions of parental abuse, self-hatred and homophobia.
> 
>  
> 
> It's probably not how you should react when somebody tries to end his life (even if it was a misunderstanding in this case), but Remus acted out of shock. He's scared, hurt and angry, too. That's why he accused Sirius and yelled at him. I promise this topic will be mentioned later. Can you understand why Remus and Sirius both acted like they did this chapter?  
> I'm really happy about all your Comments, so please let me know what you think! Feel free to leave Kudos and Critique, too.


	11. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders return to their dorm room and try to talk to Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the Warnings at the end notes.

Sirius stares at the four poster-beds in their dorm room. They still look the same way like they did when he left earlier, except his own, which is emptier now that he stuffed some of his things in his bag. It's weird to be here again while he thought he left for good. Dropping his bag, Sirius sinks down on his bed and stares at the beds of his friends. He thinks about how determined he was earlier, how sad and full of he regret he was. Now, though, there is just this big, black whole in his chest. He feels empty.  


  
  


“Sirius … I didn't mean to yell at you earlier”, Remus' voice pulls him out of his thoughts. Sirius looks up to his three best friends, who stand around him with worried looks. Peter is chewing on his nails, James has a frown in his face and Remus … Remus watches Sirius with these damn guilty eyes, as if anything of this would be his fault. It's no surprise that Remus is apologizing to Sirius for yelling at him, even if Remus had enough reason for it. Sometimes, Remus is too good for this world.  


  
  


“It wasn't right. I shouldn't have yelled”, Remus continues when Sirius doesn't reply, possibly taking his silence for an accusation, “And I believe you that you didn't try what I thought. But after talking to Lily, I was terrified. She said you were really sorry after our last fight and you were in a bad place. When I saw you at the Whomping Willow, I just guessed … It was stupid. I'm sorry for that.”

  
  


Remus looks at Sirius with pleading eyes. There is a part in Sirius that feels bad because his friend is obviously blaming himself, but he feels to numb to do something against it. Suddenly, he notices his anger from earlier is faded away. He doesn't even feel relieved that his friends are talking to him again.

  
  


“It's okay, Moony”, Sirius mumbles. He probably should reassure Remus that he's not angry with him at all, but he can't find the words for it.

  
  


James moves and sits down next to Sirius, still a big frown in his face: “So? What was your big plan then?”

  
  


Sirius takes a few moments until he finally shrugs: “Don't know. I guess I just wanted to have some time all for myself.”

  
  


_ That's a lie _ , a little voice in Sirius' head whispers,  _ You wanted to leave for good. _

  
  


“Oh”, James replies and changes an unsure look with Remus and Peter, obviously not certain if that is the whole story, “So you really planned to come back?”

  
  


Sirius stares at the ground. His mind feels misted. He shrugs again and mutters: “Yeah, I guess.”

  
  


“Where did you want to go?”, Peter chimes in.

  
  


“I don't know. Probably somewhere I could think over. Without any irritating teachers or too many questions”, Sirius replies. He knows his last words are unfair. His friends only want to know where he planned to go, but it irritates him that they can't leave him alone. Why do they have to ask so many questions?

  
  


“Why didn't you tell us then?” James continues. He tries and fails to hide the accusation behind his words.

  
  


“I don't know, okay? I don't fucking know”, Sirius mutters and closes his eyes. His head is aching, again. The little voice in his head now whispers that he shouldn't have come back. Maybe the voice is right.  


  
  


There is a long pause after that. Sirius doesn't open his eyes, but he's damn sure his friends change worried and doubtful looks again. Then, Remus finally starts to talk and his voice his rough, like he tries hard not to show too much emotions: “We don't want to interrogate you, Sirius. When you came back to Hogwarts last September, you were so different. We thought that it would fade, but it never did.”

  
  


“Why does everybody keep bringing this up?”, Sirius mumbles to himself, “It was only two months.”

  
  


“Two months?”, James repeats questioningly next to him, but Sirius doesn't react. He's still the same, he reassures himself. There is no need to worry, not for him and especially not for his friends. He's still Sirius.

  
  


“You are angry all the time”, now it's Peter who tries to come through to Sirius, “You keep yelling at me because of stupid things, like the time when I left my Quidditch magazines on the floor and you stumbled over it or when I dropped chocolate on your sheets.” Sirius hadn't think of these incidents anymore. He's not sure if he would react differently back in forth year, when he was different, according to his friends and Lily Evans.

  
  


“And you are overly excited over planning this prank, _the best prank we've ever pulled_ ”, James quotes Sirius, “It seems you put all your energy in this project. I love that you're so engaged in this, don't get me wrong here, but it seems to be a little … extreme.” Sirius doesn't know what to reply. He thinks how he planned this prank, even though his friends didn't talk to him anymore. It felt back then like it was all he had left. He wouldn't tell his friends that, though. It sounds pathetic, after all.  


  
  


After another long pause, Remus finally continues. His voice is quiet and soft and Sirius has to listen closely to understand his friend: “Sometimes, when you think nobody watches you, you look really sad. It's the same way you look right now. It terrifies us.” Sirius should be surprised of this words, because he doesn't feel sad. He feels numb, even empty. He feels nothing at all, not even surprise at these words.

  
  


“I'm sorry”, Sirius finally replies with a quiet voice, “I didn't want to terrify any of you.”

  
  


James sighs. It seems like it's the only noise he does now when he's around Sirius: “Not the point, Pads. We don't accuse you because you're sad. We want to know what's going on.”

  
  


“We want to help you”, Peter adds, nodding affirmative.

  
  


Remus moves from standing in front of Sirius to sitting down on the other side of him. He looks unsure when he carefully lays an arm around Sirius' shoulder. Something in Sirius' chest hurts painfully at this gesture and his body freezes, but Remus doesn't move away, even though he must have noticed Sirius' reaction. With a soft voice, Remus says: “We want you to be happy.”

  
  


Sirius just sits there stiffly, Remus' arm still awkwardly around his shoulders, and stares at the ground. After a long pause, Remus finally moves away and leans against the bedpost, his arms around his drawn-up knees. Sirius doesn't dare to look up and see what is written in Remus' face. Remus probably doesn't understand why his friend is so distant. Possibly, he even thinks Sirius keeps his distance because of this damn werewolf-thing. Sirius should explain it, but he doesn't know what he should say.

  
  


He thinks of Lily Evans' words, that he either has to tell Remus the truth, which means he has to tell Remus about his disgusting feelings, about how much of a disappointment he is for his parents and what happened last summer, or he has to tell him a lie, which means hurting Remus. There is no way he could do the first one and he's not sure if he could do the second one. Leaving was the only other option, but apparently, he is too much of a disappointment to pull that through, too.

  
  


“I don't know what to do”, he finally confesses, because it's the truth and he can at least give them that much. His voice sounds rough in his own ears.

  
  


After a short silence, James suddenly grabs Sirius' hand and yanks him up: “I have an idea. Come on.”

  
  


“What?”, Remus asks and stands up from his spot, where he almost seemed to disappear in the bedpost.

  
  


James gives them a big, reassuring grin: “We need something to cheer you up, Pads. Let's go for a walk.”

  
  


Bewildered, Sirius stumbles after James, who never lets his hand go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Minor mentions of self-hatred, homophobia and parental abuse. Sirius is also in a very bad place, which can be interpreted as suicidal.
> 
>  
> 
> How do you see Sirius' change in behavior? He was angry and sad all the time, but now he's really emotionless. For me, feeling empty like that is even worse than being anything else.  
> I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday, but now I'm back again. I hope you enjoy the story. I promise it'll lighten up at some point, but right now there is a lot going on with Sirius. Please let me know how you feel about this chapter in the Comments. I was very happy to see all the Comments in the last days! Thank you for that. Kudos and Critique are also very much appreciated.


	12. The Night Sky Above Hogwarts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders try to cheer Sirius up. Also, they discuss the newly founded Lily Evans-Fanclub.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the (minor) warning at the end notes.

“You managed the charms?”, Peter pants and follows James up the stairs. James just laughs and pulls Sirius up, taking two steps at a time.

  


“Professor McGonagall is going to kill us”, Remus calls from behind. Sirius can't see him, but he's probably shaking his head, his expression fighting between a frown and a smile.

  


“What … are you talking about?”, Sirius gasps when he finally takes the last step. James is grinning his biggest, proudest grin when he opens his arms in an invitation. They're on the top of the Astronomy Tower now. The midnight blue sky above their heads is sparkling with thousands of stars. Sirius even spots the bright star which he's named after. The half full moon is hanging just above the Forbidden Forest and casts everything in a silver light.

  


“It's probably not the _best prank we've ever pulled_ ”, James starts, his arms still open in an invitation, “But it's going to be awesome. We'll literally lighten up the Astronomy OWLs.”

  


“Forget what I said earlier. _Dumbledore_ himself is going to kill us”, Remus mutters behind Sirius, but there is no sharpness in his words.

  


Sirius raises an eyebrow: “What are you implying, Prongs?”

  


James grabs Sirius' hand again and yanks him to the edge of the Tower, where they can look over the grounds of Hogwarts. Then, he throws an arm around Sirius' shoulders and explain with sparkling eyes: “The practical Astronomy exams are taking place here. I thought we could make it a little bit more thrilling. Imagine the sky with thousands of stars shining in all colors, new constellations with funny images and shooting stars exploding like little fireworks. And all of that in the middle of the pratical OWL exams.”

  


Sirius stares up at the sky above them and grins: “Moony is damn right. Dumbledore is totally going to kill us.”  


 

* * *

  


Almost half an hour later, the four of them lie on the ground and watch the stars above them. James explained Sirius every detail of his new plans. The first time in a long while Sirius feels peaceful while he listens to James' excited babbling. Apparently, James missed talking to him as much as Sirius did, because his friend won't stop talking to him after he explained the details of his plan. Instead, James starts to tell him about the last weeks. How often he tried to talk to Lily Evans, which gifts he sneaked in her bags and how Quidditch practice went the last weeks. From time to time, Peter or even Remus add details to James' stories, while Sirius just listens. It helps to silence the thoughts which tormented him the last weeks.

  


“Actually, I wanted to ask you something”, James suddenly says. Sirius' shoulders go stiff, but James' question is nothing what he expected, “How on earth did you become friends with Lily Evans? That goes for you as well, Moony.”

  


Remus quietly laughs: “I worked with her in Potions the whole last year, in case you forgot.”

  


“Apparently, she even knows about his _furry little problem_ ”, Sirius speaks up, raising an eyebrow.

  


“She's a good person. She wouldn't tell”, Remus replies.

  


_Unlike me_ , the unwelcome voice in Sirius' head whispers again, _you told Snape to take revenge on him, not thinking about Remus at all_. With all his power, he pushes these thoughts away and confirms: “I guess she is.”

  


“So, apparently Remus betrayed me, but you, Pads?”, James jokes, “My best friend allies with Lily Evans, even though he knew about my broken heart.”

  


“I didn't ally with her”, Sirius makes clear, “She practically forced me to talk with her. I had no choice.”

  


“You say that now”, James replies, closes his eyes and puts a hand over his heart dramatically. Then he begs in a feigned painful voice: “I hope you are still on my side, Wormy.”

  


Peter giggles at James' exaggerated performance: “'Course, Prongs. I would never leave your side.”

  


James opens a single eye and glances towards Sirius. When he sees Sirius laughing, too, James looks satisfied. Only now Sirius gets that this overly dramatic fuss over Evans is a distraction for him. He feels a sudden gratitude towards James, who makes a fool out of himself just to cheer his best friend up.

  


“I'm surprised, though”, James continues with a more serious voice, “You complained that the Marauders became a Lily-Evans-Fanclub, but apparently you joined it without us noticing.”

  


“I'm positively _not_ a member of your Lily-Evans-Fanclub”, Sirius denies, “But I have to acknowledge her sense. Something _you_ seem to be lacking.”

  


“Listen to my best friend making fun of me like that”, James whines and turns to Remus with a begging voice, “Moony, I'm in no place to write my Potions essay now. As one of my oldest friends, you have to help me.”

  


Remus shakes his head, trying and failing to hide his smile. Sirius is amazed with the little shining sparkles in Remus' brown eyes that betray his serious face. “I'm sure you're still well enough to write it, James. You want to prove Sirius wrong, don't you?”

  


James' concentrated expression shows he's thinking hard how to convince Remus otherwise. Peter is giggling while Remus changes an amused look with Sirius. It's almost like it was before Sirius told Snape about the Shrieking Shack. It took his friends less than an hour for Sirius to forget the bad memories, at least for now.

  


James gives up on convincing Remus and, instead, tries to persuade Peter, which is a stupid idea, for sure. Peter was never good in writing essays, especially not in Potions. He has probably written even less than James now, but James' attempts make all of them laugh openly, like they did back then. In the end, Remus promises to help James under the condition that James starts with his next essay earlier, which, as they all know, will never happen. Then, they lie on the ground watching the stars again, and enjoy the silence for some time. While Sirius stares up to the star he's named after, he thinks about how much he missed all these quarrels and nonsense. Even though he's not good at words and his apologies could barely called that, his friends stayed with him. A really small part in his mind wonders if they would also stay with him if they knew the truth. Hastily, he pushes that thought away. He can't ruin this moment, not with something that.

  


“Thanks, guys”, he finally says into to midnight blue sky. It doesn't cover the whole complexity of what he's feeling right now, but Sirius is sure his friends got what he meant. He has still no idea what he should do now. There is no way he could go back home after this school year, but he also couldn't explain why. He wants to stay with his friends, of course, but he's sure they start to ask questions again. In their place, he would do that, too.

  


While the others watch the sky, Sirius glances to Remus. The boy stares up to the half full moon with a frown in his face, but there are still the remains of a smile on his lips. Sirius' heart beats faster at this sight. In this moment, on top of the Astronomy Tower shortly after midnight, Sirius realizes that there is no way back: He's completely and absolutely fallen for this werewolf-boy.  
  
  


He turns away his eyes from Remus and stares up again, not seeing any of the stars above him anymore. He tries to imagine the picture James painted earlier when he described his plans: All these colorful stars, the fireworks and drawings on the sky. It sounds like something Sirius would like, something Sirius would be excited for. He clings to that feeling like to an anchor, even later, when he lies alone in his own bed again, listening to the breathing of his sound sleeping friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Very minor mentions of self-hatred, homophobia and parental abuse.
> 
>  
> 
> I'm not a huge Valentine's Day-Fan, but this chapter got lighter and more cheerful than I expected. I guess Sirius needed a break, even though it doesn't change anything about Sirius' situation. James, always the clever best friends, apparently knows that, too. What do you think could be their punishment for hexing the Astronomy OWLs? I guess that's not exactly an innocent prank, but thinking of my own exams, I would have loved something like that.  
> I was very happy to see so many comments in the last days, so please feel free to share your opinion with me. I'm glad about Kudos or Critique, too.  
> If you're interested, I did some research on the star "Sirius" for this chapter: Sirius is the brightest star in the night sky (and is that not a hint for you, Sirius?) and is part of Canis Major, the constellation "Great Dog". Sirius is actually a binary star, consisting of two stars, and was in different cultures often called the "Dog Star". In temperate northern climate zones, Sirius is a star of the winter night sky. I guess the next time I see stars, I will look for Sirius.


	13. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus approaches Sirius at the Great Lake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the Warnings at the end notes.

It's early Sunday afternoon when Sirius is sitting on the shore of the Great Lake, fighting with this stupid Potions essay he has to hand in next week. James is at Quidditch practice, probably postponing the essay until tomorrow morning at Breakfast and hoping Remus will finish it for him (which Remus will do, because he's far too nice to oppose James). Remus finished his own essay (probably a week ago) and Peter claimed to do research for it in the library, though Sirius is sure his friend used that for an excuse to take a nap.

  
  


That's why in the end Sirius is the only one of the Marauders sitting in the fresh spring air and trying to write something correctly. Even though there is still this dark, empty feeling inside his chest, he feels better since their little adventure to the Astronomy Tower yesterday. Most likely, that's also because this morning he sat at Breakfast next to James, Remus and Peter and not alone, like he used to in the last weeks.

  
  


While fighting with the finishing touch of his essay, he suddenly hears footsteps approaching him quietly. Judging by the sound of it, it has to be Remus. With a nervous pulling in his stomach, Sirius looks up to his friend.

  
  


“Do you make progress?”, Remus asks carefully, a soft smile on his lips. He looks as tense as Sirius feels.

  
  


“Almost done”, Sirius replies and hands his essay over. Remus drops down next to him and starts to read. Meanwhile, Sirius watches the dark waves of the Great Lake, which reflect the golden spring sun. In the distance, Sirius is even able to see the Quidditch fields. Little dots move in the air. Sirius is almost sure he can spot James, because his dot is flying hazardous stunts noone else with a functional brain would risk. Maybe Lily Evans is near, watching the practice, or James just wants to show off. It wouldn't surprise Sirius, either way.

  
  


“It's good”, Remus says after a little while, “I especially like the paragraph you inserted about the history of the Draught of Peace. I didn't get this idea myself.”

  
  


Sirius shrugs: “I thought I should give it some effort, since my last essay was disastrous.”

  
  


“Disastrous?”, Remus chuckles, “I'm glad then that I didn't had to read it.”

  
  


Sirius grins: “It probably for the best, Moony. You would have never recovered from it.”

  
  


Remus gives him a soft smile, but then the expression in his face starts to change to something more thoughtful. Sirius feels panic creeping up his spine.

  
  


“Actually, I wanted to talk to you”, Remus says with a gentle voice, but it doesn't help with Sirius' panic at all. Suddenly, Sirius thinks about the way Remus put his arm around Sirius' shoulders last night and how Sirius' whole body tensed in this moment. There is no way Remus didn't notice, but he's probably thinking Sirius is disgusted by him, maybe even scared. Remus doesn't know the true reason why Sirius is so distant towards his friend.

  
  


“Look, I don't want to force you to do something you're not comfortable with, but I really think you should talk to someone”, Remus explains and watches Sirius closely, “I believe you that you only wanted to have some time for yourself yesterday, but that doesn't change the fact that you're always angry or sad.”

  
  


_He believes me_ , Sirius thinks absently,  _He has no idea that I wanted to leave him for good. I didn't even leave a note._

  
  


“Sirius? Do you listen to me?”, Remus asks and suddenly Sirius notices that he stares at the Great Lake, not responding to Remus' words at all.

  
  


“Uh, yes, of course”, he mutters and tries to think what he should say.

  
  


Remus frowns, an expression Sirius doesn't like at all. Actually, now that he's looking closely, Sirius notices his friend looks more tired than usual, with dark bags under his eyes and his brown hair mussed, as if he couldn't sleep well the last night. Sirius wonders what could possibly keeps Remus awake. It's only half full moon, so it shouldn't be his furry little problem, like James calls it.

  
  


“Lily told me that Alice saw you getting an owl from your parents”, Remus suddenly speaks into the silence between the two of them. Sirius' stomach clenches at these words. His thoughts wander to the hated letter which is still in his pockets. Feeling it there remembers him of his parents' awful words all day, but he doesn't dare to leave it in their dorm room, where anyone could find it.

  
  


When Sirius doesn't reply, Remus tries again: “And you talked to your brother according to a few Hufflepuffs who saw you. Did something happen?”

  
  


_I can't talk about it. I really want to, though._

  
  


“Is your family alright?”, Remus is now probably guessing. Sirius lets out a dry laugh, because Remus' shot into the blue sounds absurd in his ears.  


  
  


The frown in Remus' face got even bigger at Sirius' laugh, which is nothing like the loud barking he usually does when he's happy. Sirius' heart is pounding harder at this sight. Remus looks like he's about to catch on.

  
  


_He must not know. He's not supposed to know._

  
  


“Did you have another fight with your brother?”, Remus asks.

  
  


“No”, Sirius denies frantic. It's not even a lie, exactly. They didn't fight, at least not how they usually do. It was more a farewell to his younger brother than anything else.

 

  
_Stop asking._

  
  


“Is that why you wanted to leave?”, Remus continues gently, “Did they reproach you again, because you're not like your brother? Did you have a fight with him about that?”

  
  


“No, no, you don't understand”, Sirius gasps and claws the hands in his black locks, suddenly overwhelmed by distress, “Reg only wanted to help me. He's an idiot, hanging around with all these Slytherin pricks, but he didn't … 'course he did not want that to happen. He just doesn't understand that I cannot live there any longer. They're going to ...”

  
  


“They're going to what?”, Remus asks, the shock obviously written all over his face. Sirius stares at his friend, suddenly realizing the tears streaming down his face. When did he start crying? What did he just say? He was in control a few minutes prior, but now he's suddenly having a major breakdown.

  
  


“I … Forget what I said”, Sirius pleads, but Remus shakes his head, still an expression of shock in his face, which is slowly replaced by fond determination, “What happened, Sirius? You can tell me, I promise.”

  
  


_No, I can't. You're going to hate me._

  
  


“I would never”, Remus states without any doubt and Sirius realizes that he had spoken his last thoughts out loud. Sirius' whole head is spinning now, his stomach is clenching and he feels sick. His body is shaking again, but he's used to that now. Remus, apparently, is shocked by his state, but he keeps his voice calm when he continues to talk: “Sirius, look, I _know_ how that feels like. When we became friends, I was afraid all the time. When you figured out what I am, I was so scared I would loose the only friends I've ever had. But I didn't. You stayed because that's what friends do. We are friends, right, Sirius?” Remus tries to take Sirius' hands, probably to stop him from clawing them in his hair, but Sirius flinches.

  
  


_We are friends, right, Sirius?_ , Remus' words echoes in his head. Something about these words doesn't sound right, leaving him with a pang of hurt and guilt at the same time.  


  
  


“Don't _touch_ me”, Sirius utters and jumps up. Remus tries to call after him, but Sirius' escapes as fast as he can, trying to leave this torn feeling inside his chest behind.

  
  


When he reaches their dorm room, shaking and out of breath, he realizes that it was of no use: He still feels like something is ripping his heart into two parts, leaving a big, black hole inside his aching chest.He thinks about last night, when he realized how far his feelings for his friends actually go. There is no way to deny it any longer. If he keeps this up, he'll hurt Remus even more and there is no way he can stand that.

  
  


_ I have to find a way to get over this. _

  
  


But how is he supposed to do that? It feels impossible. Everything is crashing down on him. He promised his brother he would stay away from his friends, from  _ him _ , especially. Not to please their parents, but to ensure that his friends wouldn't find out the truth. In the end, though, he couldn't go through with it.

  
  


“Are you alright, mate?”, the sudden voice behind him startles Sirius. He turns around to see James, leaning on the door with a worried expression in his face. His hair is even more windswept than usual (this time probably from practice, not from muddling his own hair) and his clothes are mud splattered.

  
  


Sirius stares at this oldest friend and suddenly finds himself spilling out the truth.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of homophobia, self-hatred and parental abuse.
> 
>  
> 
> After last chapter, this one got darker again. As you can see, we draw closer to the truth, at least. While writing this, I noticed Remus and Sirius are, in some ways, very much alike. Remus always feared his friends would leave him because he's a werewolf. Sirius, on the other hand, had never someone who he could trust or rely on before the Marauders. He clung to his friends a lot and, I suppose, was also afraid of them leaving him because of his parentage. That's why he always distanced himself strongly from everything he associated his family with, like being a pureblood, Slytherin or even well-behaved. Even though Sirius and Remus look from the outside like the total opposite (Sirius the rebel and Remus the good student and the voice of reason) at the heart, they can understand each other deeply. That's probably why I like them together so much.  
> I'm sorry about this almost-essay in the notes, but please let me know what your opinion is on this. I'm happy about all your Comments, Kudos and Critique. Thank you!


	14. The Moon Lying Just A Bed Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the help of very suitably metaphors and just a little stupid jokes, James gets Sirius to talk about a certain werewolf-boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the warnings in the end notes.

“He thinks I  _ hate _ him”, Sirius spills out, almost sobbing, “He just wanted to comfort me, but he got it all wrong about my brother and I felt like I had to say something. Why couldn't I leave it like that? I almost told him everything, but then he said we're friends and … I told him not to _ touch _ me. Which arse says something like that? He probably thinks it's because of him! Fuck, I ruined everything, didn't I?”

  
  


For a long moment, James just stares at him, mouth agape and confusion written all over his face. Then, he finally takes a few careful steps towards Sirius and drops his broom, which Sirius didn't even noticed he had in his hands the whole time.

  
  


“Am I getting this right? We're talking about Moony, aren't we?”, James starts incredible calm. With a sudden pang of embarrassment, Sirius realizes what he just said. He's still standing in front of James, with unruffled tears in his eyes, sobbing and babbling like an idiot. He flushes bright red and considers to escape the room, maybe even the country, but James, reading his thoughts, gives him no opportunity to do so:  “Because if we _ are_ talking about Moony, that's completely alright with me.”

  
  


“I … That ...”, Sirius stutters when the door to their room flies open.

  
  


“Have you seen Moony? He looked pretty sad when I ...”, Peter starts, but then his eyes catches the sight before him. With a shaking breath, Sirius turns his back to his friends, walks a few steps and tries to calm down. Behind him, he hears his friends changing a few muttered words and then the door closes again. When Sirius dares to peek, he sees that he's alone with James, again.

  
  


James walks to Sirius' bed and lets himself fall down on it ungracefully. Then he shoots Sirius an encouraging look. A few moments, Sirius hovers over there awkwardly, before he finally makes his way to his bed and slumps down next to James.

  
  


“So”, James starts and drags out this one word in an obvious invitation, “You think Moony hates you? I'm sorry to reveal that, Pads, but after all you've done, I don't think you can make Moony hate you at all.”

  
  


Sirius makes a noise between a sob and a laugh: “You think? I really screwed up this time.”

  
  


“Telling him not to touch you?”, James repeats Sirius' earlier words. Sirius closes his eyes in shame, but nods anyway. There is no need to pretend any longer.

  
  


“Well, that's maybe not the nicest way to explain you're uncomfortable with his touch, but I'm sure Moony will understand. He always does when it comes to you.”

  
  


_ Uncomfortable with his touch? Ha! If only you knew, Prongs … _

  
  


“He'll probably think it's because of this damn werewolf-thing”, Sirius mutters.

  
  


James inspects his nails closely and asks casually: “If that's not the reason, what is it then?”

  
  


Sirius stares down at his toes and doesn't reply. He can  _ feel _ James watching him out of the corner of his eye. His minds spins again, but there is also this yearning to finally tell somebody the truth, at least some of it.

  
  


“Don't you know that already?”, Sirius replies, remembering the time James accidentally told Snape about his feelings for Remus.

  
  


James looks up from inspecting his nails in utter surprise, obviously not expecting an honest confession from Sirius. He blinks a few times, before he replies: “'Course, but maybe you should say it out loud? Then I can be sure I'm not making a huge fool out of myself if it's actually something different than I thought it was.”

  
  


“You wish”, Sirius mutters to himself before he, finally, eventually, admits: “I … I like him.”

  
  


James raises an eyebrow at these words: ”We have to work on your love confessions, mate.”

  
  


“That certainly wasn't a love confession”, Sirius shrieks, before he realizes at James' grinning that he's teasing him. With a sharp breath, he calms down again and states: “And we have to work on  _ my  _ love confessions? Says the idiot who still tries to woo Lily Evans with notes saying  _ Want to date me?  Check Yes, No or _ ...”

  
  


“Alright, alright”, James lifts his hands in defeat, “Let's agree that we're both miserable at love confessions. That's alright, though. We can practice.”

  
  


“What? With each other?”, Sirius asks in faked utter disbelief, which makes James start laughing. Shaking his head, James tries to calm himself down and starts: “Anyway, let's get back to the topic. You and Moony ...”

  
  


“There is no  _ me and Moony _ ”, Sirius mutters and stares at his toes again. James pats his shoulders and shows him his confident smile: “You don't know that as long as you don't ask him.”

  
  


“Do you remember the time when you said I should just focus on the good things in life and I told you that was the worst advice in advice history? Let me correct myself.  _ That _ is the worst advice in advice history”, Sirius grimaces.

  
  


James doesn't even blink with his eyes: “Why is that?”

  
  


“I can't just … go to Moony and ask him … out”, Sirius stutters.

  
  


James raises an eyebrow: “And why, exactly?”

  
  


_ Yes, why, exactly? _ Sirius questions himself suddenly. He was so convinced to loose his friends if they knew the truth. But now James is sitting next to him, trying to encourage him to ask one of their best mates out, like it's a totally normal thing to do.

  
  


“I cannot possibly ask Moony for that. I might as well ask for the moon”, Sirius tries to explain. Only when he finished he suddenly realizes what he just had said. James looks like he's fighting not to laugh.

  
  


“Maybe the moon isn't as far away as you think”, James replies slowly, obviously still fighting a laugh, “Maybe he's just a bed away.”

  
  


“Alright, that's a stupid metaphor”, Sirius claims, quietly cursing himself, “Not the point, though, Prongs.”

  
  


James puts on a more serious expression and replies: “Actually, I don't see your point. Look, I know you're possibly scared, but let's just think about the worst case. If, and please listen closely to my words,  _ if _ Remus didn't reciprocate your feelings, he would be sorry and you would have to move on. That's it. Maybe it's scary, maybe it's difficult, but you'll never know otherwise. And, more possible, if Remus reciprocates your feelings, he'll probably snog out this stupid thoughts in your head. Would do something good for all of us, actually.”

  
  


“You can't mean that”, Sirius tries to deny, but James just raises an eyebrow and Sirius suddenly knows he meant every single word. He's still dumbfounded when James lays an arm around his shoulders and whispers: “I'm sure he likes you back, Pads.”

  
  


“They hate me for it”, Sirius sobs. It takes him a while to realize what he just said. Apparently, James needed some time to comprehend, too. The arm around his shoulder stiffens slightly and then its grip tightens around Sirius in an almost protective way: “They know?” He doesn't even have to ask who Sirius meant with _they_.  


  
  


“Reg told them, after he heard it from Snivellus”, Sirius confesses. James draws in a sharp breath, obviously trying to stay calm. He mutters a few curses at Snape which makes Sirius smile. Then his friend finally replies: “That's down to me and I'm sorry for that. Snivellus wouldn't have known if I had been more careful.”

  
  


“It was a stupid accident”, Sirius fends off, "You didn't mean to tell him."  


  
  


After a brief pause, James asks: “Has anything of that to do with telling Snivellus about the Shrieking Shack?”

  
  


Sirius closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. This wasn't exactly one of the brightest moments in his life. But it's probably time to tell James the truth. With a grimaces, he starts to explain: “Kind of. Snivellus sneered at the lack of letters I got from my parents and mocked he talked to Regulus about it. I feared he told Reg about how I feel for Moony and … I just wanted to take revenge on him, no matter what. That's why I told Snivellus about the Shrieking Shack. When I lashed out on you on the day before yesterday, I just had received a letter from my parents. As it turned out, I was right. Snivellus told Reg and my brother went straight to my parents.”

  
  


“There are a few weeks between Snivellus talking to Reg and your parents sending you a letter, though”, James points out.

  
  


“Then Reg should get the award for the best brother, because he had the decency to wait a few weeks to tell them”, Sirius hisses, but deep down he knows Reg probably fought with himself the whole time, torn between loyalty for his brother and a desire to please their parents and not letting the incidents from the last summer repeating itself.

  
  


“If it helps you, we can hex him. How about wailing undies and pink sparkling robes?”, James suggests with a encouraging smile.

  
  


Sirius giggles despite his clenching stomach and shakes his head furiously: “I do not want to hex my brothers' underwear, thanks.”

  
  


“How about Snivellus', then?”, James tries again and waggles his eyebrows suggestively, obviously satisfied with Sirius' smile.

  
  


“Certainly  _ not _ ”, Sirius shrieks and throws himself on James. James squeaks very manly and tries to free himself from Sirius, which only leads to both of them falling out of the bed. Giggling and tussling with his best friend, Sirius suddenly feels lighter and happier than he's been for a long time.

  
  
  
“And you don't think it's weird at all?”, his sudden question makes James stop in their scuffle.

  
  


“That you have the hots for Moony?”, James clarifies with a smug smile.

  
  


Sirius snorts and hits James lightly on the head. “I don't have the hots for… actually, never mind”, he laughs and is surprised how easily it feels to joke about it.

  
  


James grins at him, before his face shows an more serious expression: “Why should I?”

  
  


Sirius pauses and swallows. Then he allows himself to admit quietly: “Because he's a guy.”

  
  


“Yes, I noticed that a few years ago, shortly after we all got sorted into Gryffindor and had to share a room together”, James replies dryly. At Sirius' unsure look, he continues: “Look, it took some time for me to get used to it when I noticed, but it never changed anything between us. I really don't care for whom you have the hots for, Pads.”

  
  


Hearing these words, Sirius feels a sudden pang of gratitude towards James. He thinks about the last couple of minutes and about all James had said and done for him in the past. The way he always has Sirius' back and covers for his ass. Before Hogwarts, Sirius didn't know how it felt like to totally rely on somebody. With a raspy voice, Sirius mutters: “Y'know, you're more a brother to me than he ever was.”

  
  


James rumples Sirius' hair affectionately, before he winks at him with a teasing smile: “Practicing the love confessions, already? You shouldn't use that one for Moony, though.”

  
  


At these words, Sirius throws himself on James again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of homophobia, self-hatred and parental abuse.
> 
>  
> 
> That chapter got much longer than I expected, but it seems right for me. I always adored the friendship between Sirius and James, especially the protective way both boys treat each other. They still didn't talk about everything that is bothering Sirius, but opening up was a big deal for Sirius. Did you like Sirius' "love confessions?" I crave for your Comments, so please feel free to share your opinion or leave Kudos and Critique.
> 
> Also, I would really need the charm for wailing undies and pink sparkling robes. I know a few people who are in need of them.


	15. Moony's Damn Sweater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is still thinking about wailing undies and Lily is still ignoring him, Peter stuffs himself with chocolate and Remus desperately looks for his favorite sweater. In the meantime, Sirius tries to find out what he should do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the warnings at the end notes.

****“Has anyone of you seen my sweater lately?”, Remus asks with a frown.

  
  


“Which one?”, Peter replies from his bed with his mouth full of chocolate. James shakes his head laughing: “Seriously, Wormy, if you continue like that, you'll compete with Moony after Full Moon.” With that said, he nicks a Chocolate Frog from Peter's collection and shoves it into his mouth.

  
  


“That's not exactly a healthy Breakfast, Prongs”, Remus reproves with a smile. James only shrugs and throws himself on Sirius' bed: “Time to wake up, mate.”

  
  


With a groan, Sirius turns away and buries his face in the pillows: “Get lost, Prongs.”

  
  


“Alright. But then you will definitely miss how I hex the brooms of the first years”, James replies casually and starts to walk to the door.

  
  


Sirius sits up with a start, grinning evilly, at the exact time Remus spins around and asks: “Prongs, you promised to stay away from first years.”

  
  


“Don't worry, Moony, I will only hex Slytherins”, James replies and pats Remus' shoulders, who, surprisingly, doesn't look reassured at all. In the meantime, Sirius stumbles out of his bed and tries to change. He's glad it's almost as it was before their big fight. Remus came back very late to their dorm yesterday, so Sirius hadn't the chance yet to apologize to him. But this morning Remus seems to be alright, a soft smile tucked on his face while he searches through his neatly sorted stuff. It takes Sirius a few moments to wonder why. Usually, Remus doesn't search things. He's too organized for that.

  
  


“Are you alright, mate?”, James asks, obviously also noticing Remus' strange behavior.

  
  


Remus nods and scratches his head with a confused expression: “Yes, yes, it's just … I can't find my sweater. You know, the brown one I got last Christmas.”

  
  


Sirius freezes midst pulling his pants up. In his mind's eyes, he suddenly sees himself stuffing Remus' sweater in his bag when he wanted to leave Hogwarts for good. In this moment, it seemed like a good idea. He would be gone long before Remus or anybody else for that matter would notice the missing sweater. When his friends dragged him back, he didn't hand the sweater back. Obviously not, how would've that look like?

  
  


So, right now, said sweater is buried under a pile of blankets and pillows in Sirius' bed. Not that Sirius has been cuddling Remus' sweater last night, of course not, but he needed a good hideout. And in a room he shares with his three best friends, the only true hideout is his own bed, at least as long as Peter doesn't eat his chocolate over there or James tries to sneak under his blankets in the middle of the night to tell Sirius some stupid plans how to woo Evans. In the end, he had no other chance than the cuddle with Remus' sweater anyway.

  
  


“Maybe you forgot it in the Common Room?”, James offers while Peter makes a huge spectacle of himself looking under Remus' bed. Remus still has a frown in his face when he gives up on searching through his stuff: “I hope so. It's my favorite, after all.”

 

“Someone has already found it, for sure”, Sirius reassures and tries to distract Peter from searching under Sirius' bed, too. “Let's ask in the Common room”, he adds hastily when Peter draws closer to Sirius' bed. From the other side, James gives him a nosily look and raises an eyebrow questioningly. Sirius ignores him on purpose.

  
  


“You're probably right”, Remus mutters, but doesn't meet Sirius' eyes. Only now Sirius notices that Remus looks tired, again.

  
  


 

With a bad feeling, Sirius follows his friends to Breakfast at the Great Hall.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Y'sure you don't want to hex him? My offer about wailing undies and pink sparkling robes still stands”, James whispers, an arm casually thrown around Sirius. For anybody else, it possibly looks like they're concocting plans for their next prank, but in reality, Sirius is struggling hard not to cry after he's spotted his brother with an owl from his parents. He swallows and shoots James a weak grin: “Definitely sure, but thanks anyway.”

  
  


“Alright, but don't you think wailing undies sound like a genius idea?”, James asks conspiratorial, before he suddenly yells, “HEY EVANS. HOW'S YOUR MORNING?”

  
  


Lily Evans walks by without so much as looking at James, only smiling at Remus while taking a seat next to Alice Prewett. James looks like a puppy who just got kicked. Sirius almost has to laugh at this sight, even though that would be a really cruel thing to do so. “Sorry, mate. One day, she will acknowledge your courting”, Sirius tries to comfort his best friend.

  
  


“Or she'll finally hex you mute”, Peter chimes in and earns an almost terrified look from James and amusing chuckles from Remus.

  
  


“Anyway, about that wailing undies”, James starts again, obviously desperate for a change of subject, “Just imagine Dumbles with ...”

  
  


“Wait, _what_?”, Remus interrupts with an aghast expression while Sirius and James start to snicker, “You are definitely _not_ going to hex the underwear of our headmaster. I'm sure Dumbledore will notice immediately and I'm certainly not taking detention for that. Besides, we have OWLs in a few months and should focus on learning for them.”

  
  


“I wonder if Dumbledore won't be impressed by that”, Peter considers, completely ignoring Remus' statement about the coming exams, “Remember that one time we hexed the teacher's socks into blaring love songs? He laughed about that one.”

  
  


“Nah, that time was different”, Sirius declines, “Dumbles always had a thing for socks.”

  
  


“That sounds wrong on so many levels”, James mutters and stands up, “Anyway, Wormy and I still haven't finished our Potions essays. I guess we'll visit the library in our free period, right, Wormy?” Remus and Sirius both look up surprised at these words, not expecting James to finish his essay on his own. And voluntary, on top of that. James shoots Peter a meaningful look, that Sirius watches with confusion. What is James up to?

  
  


Peter just sighs and follows James to stand up: “Alright, Potions, here we come. Can't believe Sirius finished before I had. Guess you had help from Moony.”

  
  


“He didn't”, Remus defends Sirius immediately, “I only did proofreading. He wrote his essay himself.” Sirius suddenly feels kind of proud at himself, which is stupid considering it's only a Potions Essay. But the approving smile from Remus in Sirius' direction erases all these doubts immediately. He should definitely try harder for his homework.

 

Wait, where did that weird thought come from? He must have spent too much time with Moony, lately.

  
  


“Maybe Pads can help you looking for your sweater then, Moony”, James replies with a smug smile and actually has the nerve to waggle his eyebrows suggestively, “I could _swear_ I've seen it near Padfoot's bed yesterday.”

  
  


Sirius' looks partly dumbfounded and partly enraged by James' words, but James doesn't seem to notice (or doesn't want to, more likely). After a last, longing look towards Evans, he and Peter leave for the library, not caring for Sirius who still looks daggers after him.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“You seem happier today”, Remus says a little while later, looking anywhere but in Sirius' eyes. They're currently back in their dorm room under the pretense to look for this damn sweater. Quietly cursing James for his absence, Sirius tries to order his thoughts. He needs to talk to Remus, he knows that much, but he still has no idea what to say.

  
  


“I'm sorry about yesterday”, he finally replies, but Remus just shakes his head: “Don't be. I shouldn't have been pushy. It's none of my business, after all.”

  
  


“But it _is_!”, Sirius denies and tries to meet Remus' eyes, but his friend is still searching through his stuff as if by magic his sweater would appear where it wasn't before Breakfast. It occurs to Sirius that Remus is avoiding his eyes on purpose.  


  
  


“My parents aren't pleased with the company I'm keeping”, Sirius desperately tries to explain without revealing too much, “That's why they wrote me that letter a few days ago. And I talked to Regulus because he was the one who told them about you. He's under that fucked up impression that my parents will start liking me if I try to be good.”

  
  


Finally, Remus pauses from searching his things and looks up. When their eyes meet, there is this sympathetic and caring expression in Remus' brown eyes which Sirius didn't know he craved for. Remus shoots him an apologetic smile and says softly: “I'm so sorry, Sirius. They have no idea what a great person you are. It's not your fault they don't see it.”

  
  


_Not your fault._ Like always, Remus' seems to find the right words without even knowing the full story. Sirius feels relieved that, at least, Remus looks at him again. Maybe he can save their friendship, after all. He still doesn't know if he should confess about his feelings, though.

  
  


_James said I should, but considering his successes with Evans his advice might not be the best. Ugh, usually Moony is the one I ask for advice about anything. But that's not really an option now.  
_

  
  


“Sirius”, Remus catches his attention again, “Yesterday, when I asked you what happened between your parents and you, you said … You said I would going to hate you. Why did you say that?”

  
  


Surprised, Sirius stares at his friend for a few moments. Then, realization dawns in his face when he remembers their talk from yesterday. He told Remus that he won't go back home to his parents. He almost let slip what happened last summer at home. And then, when Remus tried to understand why his parents could hate their son that much, he almost told Remus about his feelings for him. He only stopped because he feared Remus could hate him afterwards.

  
  


_Maybe the moon isn't as far away as you think_ , James had said, referring to that stupid metaphor. With a deep sigh, Sirius slumps down on his bed. Maybe it's time to tell Remus the truth. At least a part of it.  


  
  


“Moony, I ...”, he starts slowly, but is interrupted by Remus' surprised voice.

  
  


“Wait, is that _my sweater_?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of parental abuse, homophobia and self hatred.
> 
>  
> 
> Dumbledore definitely has a thing for socks, don't you think? And I honestly don't know what it is with me and bewitched clothes, but just imagine socks blaring love songs ...  
> As you can see, after his talk with James, Sirius is better now, but still not completely comfortable with his feelings. There is also this huge thing about his parents and last summer, which wasn't voiced at all until now. We will come to this soon, though. Please let me know what you think in the Comments or leave Kudos and Critique, if you feel to do so.  
> I also changed the summary for the whole fiction. I hope that won't confuse anybody, but I wasn't satisfied with the old one. This new one is probably not better. Ugh. If you have any better ideas, please let me know.


	16. The Taste Of Chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus finally finds his sweater. Sirius has some explaining to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the (very minor) warnings in the end notes.

“Wait, is that _my sweater_?”, Remus asks surprised and points with his finger somewhere behind Sirius. With a sudden pang of guilt, Sirius turns around to spot a piece of brown wool peeking out under his pillows. There is a long silence before Remus takes a few tentative steps forward and pulls the fabric out under the pillows. Stunned, he holds the piece of evidence up: There is no doubt it's his knitted, old sweater.

  
  


“I guess it is?”, Sirius mutters and stares at his toes intently .

  
  


_Great. Now he thinks I'm nuts. Or a creep. Probably both._

  
  


Remus still stares at his sweater, a frown of concentration in his face, as if he's thinking hard about something. Slowly, he turns around to meet Sirius' look, but Sirius averts his eyes and stares at his toes again. He feels Remus watching him and … You see right, students of Hogwarts, your greatest rebel Sirius Black is blushing furiously under the look of his best friend.

  
  


Wow, his reputation as a Hogwarts coolest punk rebel really _is_ endangered.

  
  


“So”, Remus starts after a long silence, “You had my sweater the whole time and didn't stop me looking for it everywhere?” Sirius tries to measure if Remus sounds angry or even disgusted, but the undertone in his friend's voice is new to him. It's a wild mixture of insecurity, wishful thinking and bewilderment.

  
  


“I'm sorry”, Sirius squeaks and then winces at his own, high-pitched voice.

 

  
Slowly, an amused smile replaces the frown in Remus' face. He seems to discard whatever his first impression was when he saw the sweater in Sirius' bed. Remus sinks down next to him, said sweater in his lap, and laughs softly: “You could have said something. If you like the sweater, you can borrow it anytime.”

  
  


_I couldn't care less about this damn sweater._ But he can't possibly tell Remus it's the owner of the sweater who makes this damn clothing so attractive. So, in the end, he just replies: “Oh … Thanks, I guess.” And isn't that a great response?

  
  


Sirius suddenly gets the weird desire to smack himself in the face. Maybe it'll help him stop talking like a complete idiot. Usually, he has absolutely no problem talking to Remus. That is one thing he always adored about his friend: The way Remus smiles when he listens to Sirius' stupid rubbish, as if it's actually a deep and interesting conversation. Remus usually only smiles like that when he's in the middle of a really good book, so Sirius always felt kind of special when that smile is directed to him. It made him almost forgetting about his always-doubting parents or the way they reprimanded him when he was a kid. Now, however, Remus' smile makes him squirming and blushing.

  
  


Maybe that's why he flinches hard when Remus touches his arm softly. “Sirius, I ...”, Remus starts, but stops immediately when he notices Sirius' reaction. The light smile in his face vanishes at once when his expression closes up. Remus' retreats his hand hastily. There is this small distance between them again, which Remus usually keeps like a shield between himself and everybody else.

  
  


“Sirius, I wanted to talk to you”, Remus continues as if nothing happened. His voice sounds different to before, though, in a way Sirius can't really grasp. It's not actually angry or sad, just distant and reserved. Sirius doesn't like this voice at all.

  
  


“Okay”, Sirius replies hastily, desperate to show his willingness to cooperate. Maybe it would change Remus' expression back to this open, smiling face like it was before.

  
  


“I shouldn't have pushed you like I did yesterday”, Remus starts, not looking at Sirius, “I'm really sorry about that. I was just so frustrated with you being secretive the whole year. It's irritating me, seeing you fighting with whatever is going on in your head right now and not be able to do anything about that. That's why I forced you to talk to me yesterday and I'm sorry about that.” Remus sounds sincere and if Sirius would have been angry at him at all, he would've forgiven him immediately.

  
  


“It didn't feel like you forced me to talk”, Sirius clarifies. Remus seems to be relieved at these words.

  
  


“Oh. That's good. I'm glad, then. I just want us to be friends again”, Remus replies with a soft smile, but Sirius' heart is aching again at these words.

  
  


_I just want us to be friends_ . He had said that yesterday, too. The problem is, Sirius wants them to be friends, but he also wants them to be even _more_.  


  
  


“And I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable”, Remus continues, obviously not noticing Sirius' inner debate. Remus chuckles, but there is a hint of insecurity behind his words when he talks on: “I promise not to be too affectionate anymore. I know that weirded you out.”

  
  


Suddenly, Sirius is again very aware of the small, but constant distance Remus is keeping from him.

  
  


_Don't touch me_ , he had said to Remus yesterday.  


  
  


“Crap”, he mutters to himself before he explains louder, “Remus, you know I have absolutely no problem with you being a werewolf, right?”

  
  


“Yes, I know”, Remus replies quietly and Sirius gets the impression that Remus doesn't believe him. Why else would he avert his eyes and look so damn sad?

  
  


“I mean it!”, Sirius calls in a much angrier tone than he had anticipated, “Why are you always questioning us? We found out about it _years ago_ and we are still your best friends, right? I know it's probably hard for you, with all these damn werewolf laws and the prejudices, but we are _still here_. We even became Animagi for you! Don't you think we would have ran a long time ago if we actually had have a problem with it?” Sirius is panting when he's finished, suddenly realizing how loud his voice got during his speech. He didn't mean to yell at Remus, but he's frustrated that his friend is still eating himself up with guilt and insecurity after all these years. He shouldn't have the impression that his friends aren't comfortable with his touches because of his condition.  


  
  


“I know, I know”, Remus replies with a sad smile, lifting his hands in surrender, “At least, I know now. You all are really good friends to me.”

  
  


Frustrated, Sirius throws his arms in the air: “If it's not the werewolf-thing, what's the problem then?”

  
  


Remus stares at him for a long moment. Then his expression turns into a fight between anger and utter disbelief: “Do you really want to make me say it out loud?”

  
  


“What are you talking about?”, Sirius hisses in confusion. They're navigating directly into their next fight, he realizes, but he has no idea how to stop it. When did they become like this, always on the edge of a dispute?

  
  


“ _You_ are the problem”, Remus snaps back, “The way you always flinch when I barely touch you.”

  
  


“That's rubbish. _You_ are the distant one, because of this stupid idea in your head that we are afraid of the touches from a werewolf. Hate to break the news to you, but we're really _not_ ”, there is a small feeling of guilt inside his chest at his own words, but Sirius suppresses it. He has the feeling they're fighting about something he still doesn't understand or even is aware of. There has to be something Remus isn't telling him. A reason why Remus thinks Sirius avoids him.  


  
  


Remus snorts out of anger, but stays absolutely calm otherwise. Sirius hates that Remus is able to stay all quiet and calm while he himself is furious. After a brief pause, Remus shakes his head: “This is not going anywhere. I'm heading down to the library. Maybe James and Pete still need my help for their essays.” With that said, Remus starts to stand up. Sirius suddenly feels panic creep up his spine. He luges forward and grabs Remus' hand, trying to stop him from leaving. Apparently, Remus isn't happy about that at all. With the most furious face Sirius has ever seen on him, he turns around abruptly and hisses: “Sirius, I mean it. Leave it alone.”

  
  


“What exactly?”, Sirius dares to reply despite the expression in Remus' eyes. Even when Sirius had told Snape about the passage to the Shrieking Shack, Remus hadn't looked like that. He had yelled at Sirius, furious and foaming with rage. This time, however, there is a dangerous glow in his brown eyes. It takes Sirius a few seconds to recognize it. He has seen it at full moon while straying through the Forbidden Forest as Padfoot. These are the eyes of the werewolf.

  
  


It's certainly not an appropriate reaction, but Sirius finds himself turned on. The air around them seems to boil with emotions.

  
  


“You know very well”, Remus growls. Inside him, Padfoot is wincing, but Sirius can't keep his eyes from Remus'. He feels like he's hypnotized.

  
  


“No, I don't”, Sirius replies with a challenging look. Remus moves forward so their faces are only a few inches away. Sirius can feel Remus' hot breath against his lips and all he's able to see is the wolf behind these brown eyes.

  
  


“You know how I feel about you and nevertheless you keep flattering me. Is that a game for you? Flirting with the big, bad werewolf? Or rather making fun of stupid old Moony?”, Remus hisses under his breath, “But then, when I get too close, when I dare to touch you, you suddenly flinch as if my touches burn you. I won't jump your bones, alright? No need to worry.”

  
  


Dumbfounded, Sirius stares at Remus, whose face is still only a few inches away. Because of this closeness Remus apparently can't keep his emotions from Sirius. First, there is only anger and hurt in his eyes, but they're soon replaced by embarrassment and fear. Meanwhile, Sirius still tries to catch on what he recently heard. It takes a few moments for his mind to finally understand the full meaning of what Remus had said.  


  
  


“I don't like your sweater”, Sirius finally blurts out.

  
  


Silence.

  
  


Remus stares at him, their faces still a few inches away. Only a few inches between them, a few inches to close, a few inches to …

  
  


_Maybe I should explain this stupid outburst_ , Sirius tears his thoughts away. He needs to explain this, while Remus is still next to him. Sirius gets the feeling that Remus will leave in a few moments if he won't say anything.

  
  


“I mean … I like the sweater, 'course I do. It looks good on you”, Sirius stutters and feels suddenly utterless helpless, “I just … I didn't want to borrow it. Not that I wanted to steal it, of course not. When I wanted to leave Hogwarts … I said I planned to come back, but actually I wanted to leave for good. But then I saw what an idiot I was and I changed my plans. That's why I stumbled over that root of the Whomping Willow. Anyway, when I wanted to leave, I couldn't go without anything that reminded me of you, so I took your sweater. Later, I was too embarrassed to give it back. It's obviously a really weird thing to steal your friend's sweater. But that's the point, isn't it? It's not just my _friend_ 's sweater, y'know?” Sirius abruptly ends with his babbling, suddenly really self-aware of the mess he just said. Remus is now staring at him with confusion written all over his face and Sirius cannot blame him for that.  


  
  


After a long moment, that feels like an eternity for Sirius, Remus starts to chuckle. It's an honest, open laugh that makes Sirius' heart pounding in his chest. He can't stop himself from smiling back. Then, Remus lifts his hand and puts it tentatively on Sirius' cheek. Sirius can still see the wolf behind those brown eyes, but he doesn't look angry anymore.

  
  


“I'm not one hundred percent sure if I really got your rambling”, Remus says with an unsure, but nevertheless sincere smile, “So please tell me if I got this all awfully wrong.”

  
  


Then, he leans in. His soft lips brush cautious against Sirius' and there is no skill in the way how their lips collide, but Sirius reciprocates nonetheless with all heart. Remus tastes like chocolate and Sirius isn't surprised by that at all. Their kiss doesn't last long, maybe just a few seconds, but when Remus is leaning back, there is that smile back on his lips again, that one that is usually only reserved for good books. Sirius can't keep himself from grinning like a moonstruck idiot.

  
  


“Are you one hundred percent sure now or do I still have to assure you?”, he whispers in the small space between their lips. There is a distant between their bodies again, but this time it doesn't feel like an whole ocean between him and Remus, but rather a space they will close again, soon.

  
  


Remus chuckles and the wolf behind his eyes seems to pull himself up in pride. With a deep voice, Remus replies suggestively: “You should assure me once more.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: I'm not sure if this chapter actually contains any triggers, but to be sure, beware of minor mentions of homophobia, self-hatred or parental abuse.
> 
>  
> 
> Who of you is in need of chocolate after that sweet chapter? :)  
> I wanted to write this for a looong time and I hope you liked it. I considered that confessing their feelings wouldn't go as planned (especially because both of them seem to think that their feelings are unrequited). That's why there was a lot of Back and Forth in this chapter, but we still got a little bit of fluff in the end. I'm really happy to hear about your opinion of this chapter, so please let me know in the Comments and leave Kudos and Critique, if you like to. We will adress the last summer incidents and some insecurities between Remus and Sirius, too, in the coming chapters. Thank you all for reading!


	17. Weird With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius finally talks with Remus. Remus has his own struggles to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the warnings in the end notes.

“We still have to talk, you know”, Remus mutters and leans back slowly. Sirius only groans as a response and hides his head in Remus' neck. He can hear Remus' heartbeat and Padfoot is even able to sniff the faint scent that belongs to Remus' werewolf-self. It reminds him of the smell that lingers in the air after a short summer rain.

  
  


“Do we?”, he mumbles at Remus' skin and watches how goosebumps creep over it when his breath hits Remus' neck.

  
  


“Well, you lied to us”, Remus states matter of factly. His voice tears Sirius out of his thoughts. Slowly, he sits up and looks in Remus' eyes frowning: “What do you mean?”

  
  


“You said it before, you wanted to leave Hogwarts for good”, Remus whispers. Sirius is thankful that his voice shows no sign of accusation, “I don't want to pressure you. I'm just worried.”

  
  


Sirius sighs and leans back against the bedpost: “That's all down to this stupid letter.”

  
  


“I get that”, Remus offers an understanding smile and sits down cross-legged, “You wanted to have some space after that. I just wondered why your parents wrote after such a long time. They didn't wrote the whole school year.”

  
  


This time, Sirius considers to tell Remus the truth. There is no way he could explain what happened last summer. He can explain this letter incident, though.

  
  


“It's kind of James' fault”, Sirius muses. Remus lets out a quiet laugh in response: “Well, when it's not?”

  
  


Sirius grins back at him, before he continues with more fierce: “A few weeks ago, James tried to give me one of these _best mate talks_. Merlin, I hate when he does that.” Sirius grimaces at the next thought, “I hate most that he's always _right_. Don't tell him, though. He doesn't need more confidence than he already has.”

  
  


Remus chuckles and crosses his fingers: “Won't tell a word. I reckon you didn't follow his advice, then, even though he was right in the end?”

  
  


Sirius runs his fingers through his hair and gives Remus a shy smile: “I guess I did today.”

  
  


“You mean … he knows?”, Remus whispers with wide eyes. Suddenly, the relaxed expression in his face is gone. Instead, Sirius notices something else in Remus' eyes, an expression he usually only senses when they talk about the werewolf-topic. It's only after a few seconds that Sirius catches what this expression means. It's a very familiar feeling for Sirius: The fear of being abandoned.

  
  


_Oh_ _Moony_.

  
  


“I don't think James has any problem with it”, Sirius tries to reassure his friend, noticing that he had the very same fears as Remus' has. Remus stays quiet, which probably means he doesn't believe it. Sirius rattles on, not sure anymore if he tries to reassure Remus or even himself: “He even tried to help me confess it to you. He's really okay with it. He said so himself. If I remember this correctly, he actually said _I don't care if you have the hots for Moony, Pads_. In my ears, that sounds like he's really okay with it.”

  
  


“That sounds _awful_ ”, Remus interrupts his rambling with a honest laugh, “But it sounds like something James would say.”

  
  


“Definitely”, Sirius agrees with a grin, proud that he made Remus laugh. He feels like convincing Remus meant convincing himself, and apparently it went really good. At least, he feels much more at ease with himself than he was for months, maybe even years. He's not sure if this feeling will stay, but right now he wants to enjoy being carefree for once.  


  
  


He definitely won't thank James, that would be too much for Sirius' already battered reputation and he would certainly not support James' excessive self-esteem. But he could help with James' stupid plans for wooing Evans to show his gratitude. Even if he won't ever join the Lily-Evans-Fanclub.  


  
  


“I don't actually care about _it_ ”, Remus whispers suddenly and Sirius has a hard time to follow at first, “It's just another thing that adds to my weirdness, adds to me being an outsider. I didn't expect to have an easy life or many friends considering my condition, but that complicates everything even more. In the eye of most people, I'm already a monster. But that makes me an outcast monster. I'm a werewolf and I'm ...” Remus suddenly stops, staring at Sirius with an embarrassed and shocked expression, as even he himself was surprised about his outburst. After a brief pause, he continues quietly: “I'm a werewolf and I'm in love with my best friend.”

  
  


Sirius can't stop himself from smiling. His body is shaking lightly again, but this time it's a good type of shaking. With a shy smile, he replies: “I'm a disgrace to my pureblood family. And I'm in love with my best friend, too. If you are weird, I am as well. And, Merlin's Bollocks, I  _love_ being weird with you!”

  
  


Remus shakes his head with a soft smile and chuckles: “I don't know how it always ends like this. I want to help you and in the end it's  _you_ who comforts  _me_ . That's not okay.”

  
  


“But it is!”, Sirius denies, “As long as we are okay, it is okay. I don't fucking care about anyone's opinion anymore. It's no use.”

  
  


“When did you became so wise?”, Remus asks teasingly.

  
  


“The truth is, _I_ am the clever one of the Marauders, but don't tell Prongs and Wormy”, Sirius chuckles. They stay silent for a few moments, just looking in the eyes of each other. Remus gives him an encouraging nod and finally, Sirius tries to explain the topic he's still dancing around on this tiptoes: “When James gave me this talk, _Snivellus_ eavesdropped on us. That was the day I hexed him into the hospital wing. After that, he told Regulus. I guess you can imagine what happened then.”

  
  


Remus curses under his breath, which is something Sirius doesn't experience very often: “So when you told Snape about the Shriecking Shack ...”

  
  


“I suspected that he told Reg. I didn't know, though”, Sirius explains, “It doesn't make right what I did. I'm a bloody arse and a shit friend.” He takes a long breath before he admits: “I'm sorry. I should have apologized sooner. I am sorry for what I did.” He meets Remus' eyes and is relieved there's no anger in these warm, brown ponds. Hesitantly, Remus moves forward and puts a hand over Sirius'. Even though it's something so small and seemingly insignificant, it feels like a great gesture. Relieve washes over him and he suddenly feels freer than he felt in the last months.

  
  


“I'm not angry with you anymore, even though it was a really bad thing to do. But I'm not mad”, Remus reassures and smiles then, “So, do you want to keep my sweater?” It seems to be much more meaningful than question about clothing, even though it's Remus' favorite sweater.  


  
  


With a big grin, Sirius takes Remus' hand in his own and replies: “I would never give it back.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Minor Mentions of homophobia, self-hatred and parental abuse.
> 
>  
> 
> Who's in your opinion the clever one of the Marauders?  
> I'm sorry for the late update and I hope you liked this more fluffy and honest short chapter. I want to thank you for all your Comments in the last days. Please feel free to leave Comments, Kudos and Critique!  
> And to you, Beauty422: The "Hots for Moony"-Part sounds awful according to Remus. At least, that's what he tells ...


	18. Speaking Of Love Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McGonagall has to endure James and Sirius, again. James makes plans to woo Lily.

“So, was your search successful?”, James whispers midst Transfiguration and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Obviously, he totally ignores the fact that McGonagall is in the middle of explaining some important OWL stuff. To nobody's surprise, Sirius wasn't listening anyway.

  
  


Instead, he glares at James and tries not to look too overjoyed at his memories.

  
  


James sees right through him, though. His eyes widen in surprise: “You were successful? Mate, that's awesome!” He grins happily at Sirius, who can't stop himself from smiling back. Hopefully, nobody else saw his moonstruck smile. He probably looks worse than James when Lily Evans enters the Great Hall. Founding a Remus Lupin-Fanclub actually seems to be a good idea right now.

  
  


Sirius has to save his punk rebel reputation soon. There is no way he'll become a pitiful idiot like James.

  
  


“Wow, either your love confession is better than I thought or Moony really has to like you”, James continues joking with a tenderly undertone, “I'm not sure which one seems to be more likely.”

  
  


Sirius snorts: “Don't be too smug. I think I remember Evans ignoring you this morning.”

  
  


James grimaces exaggerated painfully and dramatically lies a hand on his chest: “You wound me, Padfoot. First, you allied with Evans and now you make fun of me.” Sirius is fighting not to laugh when James makes stupid heartbroken faces. A few heads from his classmates turn around and watches them with surprise. It's been a while since James and Sirius were joking in class. Sirius also notices Remus soft smile towards them. It makes his heart pounding and his problems suddenly seem to be far away. Gladly, McGonagall seems to be occupied with questions from some desperate model pupils. On the second look, Sirius recognizes Lily Evans and a few Ravenclaws, who are much too invested in this whole OWL-stuff. Evans shoots them a disapproving look, which Sirius studiously ignores.

  
  


“Speaking of Love Confessions”, James whispers when he follows Sirius' eyes, “I hate to admit it, but you were right.”

  
  


“Right is my middle name, Prongs”, Sirius replies rather lamely, because he's too focused on Remus, who apparently asked McGonagall about the effects of Vanishing Spells. Surprisingly, Sirius doesn't think of it as fawning, even though he looked down on Evans and the Ravenclaws a few moments ago. It sounds kind of weird, but he loves the way Remus is always diligent listening in class. Sirius loves even more that he's one of the only persons who know that Remus, after being convinced, is rather helpful at planning pranks.

  
  


“So _that's_ how I look when I talk about Evans?”, James' musing voice suddenly interrupts his thoughts, “I can totally relate to you now. It's awful to witness this.”

  
  


Sirius turns around and flips a finger at James. Then, with a last look in McGonagalls direction, he mutters: “Spill it out, then. Which time was I right, exactly?”

  
  


James snickers at his reaction before his face grows more serious. He chews on his lips, which is never a good sign. Then, he finally confesses: “You were right about me wooing Evans. She probably thinks I'm not serious ...”

  
  


“Well, there can only be one Sirius ...” Sirius tries to joke, which earns him a glance from James.

  
  


“ _Seriously_ , Pads, I'm going to organize an intervention if you'll keep up with bad jokes. That's Pete's job”, James warns, before he continues, “Anyway, I think I need to show her that I really want to be with her. There's a change of plans needed.”

  
  


Curious, Sirius lifts an eyebrow: “Oh, how so?”  
  
  
  


"You remember what I told you about charming the stars during the Astronomy OWLs?", James starts with a conspirational wink. After Sirius nodded, he begins: "I think we should change the plans and ..."

  
  


“Mr. Black and Mr. Potter”, a sudden strict voice interrupts their whispering. When Sirius looks up, McGonagall shoots them a disapproving look before continuing with her explaining about vanishing animate objects. Evans, Remus and some Ravenclaws are diligently taking notes, but some other students are whispering, obviously curious why James and Sirius are talking again. Sirius can't find himself to care about their gossip.

  
  


Sirius wouldn't bet on it, but even though McGonagall has to reprimand him and James a few more times during the lesson, her lips are twitching as if she tries to hide her smile.

  
  


 

* * *

  
  
  


“We made plans during Transfiguration”, James announces to the other Marauders during their Lunch Break, smiling proud and excited. Sirius missed this part of their friendship, him and James always knowing each other's secrets before anybody else and only telling together. It's a tradition that started during their first year: After James and Sirius plotted their pranks, James announced them with Sirius' helpful interjections to the other Marauders. Remus always tried to be their voice of reason, but helped them improving their plans in the end. Peter, on the other hand, was always the one motivating them to pull their plans through. It was a tradition Sirius trusted and relied on.

  
  


Like Sirius expected, Peter and Remus both react in their typical ways. It seems as the world finally is fallen back into its right place. “I knew it”, Peter calls nearly as excited as James, while Remus just sighs loudly, obviously expecting the worst.

  
  


“I think you're going to like it, Moons”, Sirius reassures him and makes an effort of showing his suffering face.

  
  


The smile in Peter's face falls instantly: “Oh, that sounds boring”

  
  


“Thanks, Peter”, Remus replies dryly while James and Sirius start snickering. Peter shoots him an apologetic smile.

  
  


“It's true, though”, Sirius mumbles, trying to hide his smile at Remus', “It _is_ boring.”

  
  


“It's not. Don't be a prick, Pads”, James interrupts impatient and starts to grin smugly, “If I heard correctly, you like _boring_ now, Padfoot.” He punctuates his words with a teasing smile that leaves no doubt about its meaning. Sirius flips his finger at James again and pretends not to notice the blush on Remus' face. Peter seems to be overly confused at their interaction.

  
  


“Our dear sir Prongs here wants to woo Lily Evans”, Sirius explains, totally ignoring James' teasing, “Remember about the charms we wanted to use at the top of the Astronomy Tower?”

  
  


“James, I'm certain Lily doesn't want her OWLs put at risk by some pranks, even if you try to flatter her with it”, Remus objects with a frown, obviously remembering that James wanted to hex the Astronomy OWLs, “And I still think Dumbledore himself is going to kill us for that.”

  
  


James surprisingly looks thoughtful at Remus' objections: “I think you're right, Moony. That's why I decided to show her alone, without anybody else watching. I just need her on top of the Astronomy Tower at the right time. And that's what I need you for, Moony.”

  
  


“Me?”, Remus replies chuckling, “I don't think that's a good ...”

  
  


“Please, Moony”, James interrupts with a desperate face, “Nobody else is able to help me but you alone. You would help a suffering hero on the way to his rightful love.”

  
  


“And you would stop that constant cooing”, Sirius interjects helpfully.  
  
  
  
"Are you sure that's even possible?", Peter chimes in doubtfully.

  
  


“Rude, mates”, James calls out and then turns around to give Remus another hopeful look out of puppy eyes. Sirius almost has to laugh at this sight. With his crooked glasses and his messy hair James looks more like a mongrel than a sweet puppy. But Sirius isn't the one to judge.

  
  


After a brief pause, Remus finally sighs: “Alright, alright. I'll help you. But you have to promise you won't sabotage the Astronomy OWLs.”

  
  


The desperate look on James' face is replaced by utter joy: “I promise, Moony. Whatever you want.” Then, he turns around to grin at Sirius and Peter: “I still have the plans for the best prank we've ever pulled, anyway.”

  
  


When Remus groans loudly, Sirius and Peter crack up with laughter.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, how did McGonagall survive not only the Marauders, but also Fred and George? She's my silent hero, after all. Which teacher of Hogwarts is your favorite?
> 
> I'm sorry I couldn't update daily in the last days. I hope you liked that chapter anyway. Please share your opinion in the comments and leave Kudos or Ciritque, if you like.


	19. How To Woo Lily Evans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James tries to share his excitement with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware of the warnings at the end notes.

“Alright, just one more time: What are you doing tonight at eleven?”, James asks them on their way to the Great Hall, heading for Dinner.

  
  


“Oh, here we go again”, Sirius groans loudly and rolls his eyes at James.

  
  


“When you have a destination, you have to plan it through”, James replies defensibly, “We do this all the time.”

  
  


Sirius shakes his head, making a noise between a sigh and a laugh: “No, usually we go through a plan _once_. At least, that's enough for our pranks.”

  
  


“But that's not just one of our pranks, Padfoot”, James reminds Sirius in a whining tone, as if Sirius could forget somehow that Lily Evans is part of this plan, even though James reminds them every few minutes.

  
  


Trying to hide his smile, Sirius crosses his arms: “I already told you, I'm not joining your Lily Evans-Fanclub ...”

  
  


“I didn't ask you to!”, James interrupts. He takes a few breaths then, obviously trying to calm down, “It's important for me, Pads. I just want everything to go as we planned.” He turns around to Remus and Peter, looking for support. Sirius wants to help James with wooing Evans (evidence given: He's part of this stupid plan), but James has to exaggerate when it comes to Evans. Even though it's not really Evans fault, sometimes it makes Sirius angry at her.

 

Of course, Sirius is not jealous. He's way too mature for that.

  
  


Remus gives Sirius a glance: “It wouldn't hurt to go through it one last time. Just to be sure Peter won't mix up the floors this time.”

  
  


“That only happened once!”, Peter shrieks while Sirius just sighs at Remus' smile. He can't refuse while Remus is looking at him with these damn warm eyes which make his stomach clenching in a very pleasant way. Remus' smile grows bigger when he notices Sirius' look. For a brief moment, their eyes lock.

  
  


“You know, I could get used to this”, James comments their unspoken conversation with a smug smile, “Seems to be very helpful in some ways.”

  
  


“Don't push your luck”, Remus warns, but there is no sharpness behind his words and his cheeks are blushing. Sirius has to force himself to averting his eyes. With a dramatic sigh, he gestures James to continue. It should be embarrassing how glad James looks when he turns around to watch them closely: “So, you leave the Common room at eleven tonight. What's next?”

  
  


“I take the map with me and watch out for Filch. If he gets near towards the tower, I'll distract him with some of our noisy toads”, Sirius repeats for what feels like the hundredth time today.

  
  


“I look for the Bloody Baron and try to distract him, if he heads towards the Astronomy Tower”, Remus continues courteous, giving James a reassuring smile.

  
  


“And I watch the floor and warn Sirius and Remus if somebody else is approaching”, Peter concludes with a big smile, obviously proud that he didn't mess up his part of the plan. Considering his task, Sirius can't find himself to give Peter much credit for that.

  
  


James throws his arms around Sirius and Peter and smiles widely at Remus: “Great, mates! This is going to be brilliant. Evans will be flattered when she'll see the sky above the Astronomy Tower at midnight.”

  
  


“Or she'll hex you”, Sirius mutters, but James seems not to hear him (or ignores him on purpose, which is also very likely). Instead, James turns around abruptly and asks apprehensive: “Moony, you sure she'll come?”

  
  


It's obvious on the frown in his face that Remus isn't comfortable or fully happy with it when he reassures: “She'll be there, for sure. I lied to her pretty good.”

  
  


“What exactly did you tell her why she has to go to the Astronomy Tower in the middle of the night?”, Peter asks curiously.

  
  


Suddenly, Remus seems to be nervous. Sirius notices he shoots a glance to him before he murmurs: “I just said I wanted to talk. That's all.”

  
  


The grin on James' face gets bigger, if that's even possible. He rests his head on Sirius' shoulder and glances up to Sirius with a mischievous smile: “Oh, I think I know what Moony and Evans want to talk about.”

  
  


Remus' face reddens at these words and Sirius suddenly feels torn between being uncomfortable and being really excited. He tries to change the topic, but his head is empty except from a few indecent thoughts he certainly won't share with the other Marauders. In the end, he opens his mouth to ask details about this stupid plan again, just to distract James. Instead, a nasty voice interrupts him before he even starts speaking: “The lovely couple is back together. What a surprise.” Sirius freezes midst movement, his heart again pounding against his chest in an almost painful way.

  
  


James, on the other hand, seems to be nowhere as afraid or pitiful as Sirius. He turns around on his heels, his wand already ready in his hand: “What did you say, _Snivellus_?”

  
  


With a growing bad feeling in his stomach, Sirius turns around as well to face Snape. In his shabby pants and with his matted hair, the boy before him looks nowhere near frightening. Nonetheless, a part of Sirius wants to run and hide. With a glance towards James Sirius straightens up and tries to show a hateful and also indifferent face. James would probably laugh at him if he knew how frightened Sirius was about Snape's nasty comments.

  
  


Sirius notices he blacked out for a few moments. Suddenly, both James and Snape have drawn their wands and aim at each other threatening. It's the perfect moment for Remus to intervene: “James, let it go. There's no point in this.”

  
  


“You'll miss Evans at Dinner, otherwise”, Peter chimes in timidly. He has a good point though, Sirius has to acknowledge. James would never miss a chance to see Lily Evans, even if it's just watching her eating from the other end of the Great Hall.

  
  


Sirius, who's usually never hesitating to fight against Snape, suddenly has to agree with his friends. Just this one time he wants to avoid a situation which probably ends in Snape spilling out truths Sirius doesn't want to hear. He's tired of fighting all the time. Even he himself is surprised, though, when he takes a step forward, lies a hand soothingly on James' arm and says: “I don't care. Let's just … diregard him. For once.”

  
  


Sirius ignores the surprised looks from his friends and tries to lock eyes with James. For a long moment, nobody says a word. Apparently, even Snape is shocked at Sirius' sudden behavior as the reasonable one. The few moments of silence are enough for Sirius to notice the inner fight behind James' eyes, as if he's trying to figure out what to do.

  
  


When Sirius thinks he's almost won this fight, Snape finally finds his voice. With a smugly laugh, he snarls: “Being scared of a fight, Black? Didn't know you're such a _girl_. On the other hand, it fits perfectly.”

  
  


With a clenching stomach, Sirius lets go of James' arm and takes a few deep breaths. Then he turns around, signalizing he doesn't care about Snape's words, even though they're the truth. He still feels awful considering what _kind of person_ he is, but remembering the moment when Remus kissed him before, it doesn't feel like a death sentence anymore. Maybe it isn't as awful as he first thought.

  
  


Apparently, not everyone of his friends is okay with ignoring Snape. To Sirius' surprise, James takes a few steps forward until his nose almost touches Snape's. In both their eyes lies a look full of hate and contempt.

  
  


To Sirius' even greater surprise, Remus and Peter line up to James' sides, watching Snape very closely. Dumbfounded, Sirius watches his friends standing up for him.

  
  


“I won't pick a fight now, because he doesn't want me to”, James growls with a voice deeper and more frightening than Sirius has ever heard him talking, “But I'm going to warn you only once. If you talk about any of this to his brother, your friends or anyone else again, I'll make your life _hell_. I'll make sure you feel miserable every day in your shitty life. I'll make you think your whole existence is worthless and I'll show it to everybody else. I saved your life once. I did it for Remus and for Sirius, but that doesn't mean I can't end you.”

  
  


Sirius can't recognize James' voice anymore. There is no fun, no joking behind these words anymore. Somehow, his friend suddenly seems to be much older than he actually is. Snape stares at James with narrowed eyes and a tensed body, obviously also noticing the sudden change in James' behavior. Nobody dares to say a word when James finally turns around, throws an arm around Sirius and leads him towards the Common Room. Still shocked, Sirius follows his friend.

 

Snape probably hated James and Sirius before, but suddenly Sirius is sure that James just made them an enemy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Use of sexist and homophobic language, mentions of self-hatred and homophobia.
> 
>  
> 
> Fun Fact: If you believe the Nearly Headless Nick, the Bloody Baron likes to clank up on the Astronomy Tower.  
> I love the ghosts in Hogwarts. I think they don't get enough credit for what amazing figures they are in the story. Of course, my absolute favorite is Peeves (I'm sorry, but it's Peeves. He's a legend). I know I already asked a similar question last chapter, but what's your favorite Hogwarts ghost? Is there anyone from the people who died in the Harry Potter series you would like to become a ghost at Hogwarts?  
> Also, I won't mention the incident Harry saw in Snapes memories (it's already written in the book, so I won't repeat it), but in my story this whole fight between James, Sirius and Snape led to James exposing Snape after their OWLs.  
> I'm sorry I'm not able to update daily right now, but I try to update as often as I can. I was overjoyed by all these Comments in the last days, though. I love to hear what you think about my story, about the Marauders Era or whatever you want to share with me. So please leave a Comment and Kudos or Critique, if you like to!


	20. Whispers In The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus are supposed to watch out while James is wooing Lily Evans. There is no way this plan could possibly go wrong. Right?

“Sirius?”, a voice whispers in the dark. Surprised, Sirius peers in the dark corridor and recognizes the narrow silhouette as Remus' body. Immediately, Sirius jumps out of his hiding spot behind one of Hogwarts' gargoyles and rises a hand to get Remus' attention. Then he hurries towards him and whispers: “Did something go wrong? Aren't you supposed to look out for the Bloody Baron?”

  
  


Remus shrugs and replies with a soft voice: “He's occupied searching for Peeves. Seems like Peeves really bothered him this time and now he's hiding in the dungeons from the Bloody Baron's revenge.”

  
  


“He's already dead. I've never understood why he's afraid of the Bloody Baron that much. What could he possibly do to him?”, Sirius murmurs to himself, taking a look on the map to make sure Filch isn't nearby. Apparently, Filch's near the dungeons as well, probably disturbed by the loud noises coming from a very angry Bloody Baron who is looking for Peeves.

  
  


“What could he possibly _do_ to him? Are you serious? Wait, never mind”, Remus stops before Sirius can make a bad joke about his own name, “I can relate, though. The Bloody Baron is scary. He's probably capable of even killing the dead.”

  
  


Sirius snickers fondly: “Remus Lupin, our voice of reason, talking completely illogical rubbish.”

  
  


Remus shrugs another time and starts grinning cheeky: “I know for whom I should have respect. And look who's talking. At least, I'm not afraid of the Trolley witch.”

  
  


“She's _scary_ ”, Sirius defends himself, gesticulating dramatically, “There's something wrong with her, I swear! Behind this facade of an old, nice witch, there is a horrifying monster. When James and I tried to walk on the ceiling of the train in our third year, I'm sure I saw _her_ following us. And she didn't exactly look like a nice, old lady anymore.”

  
  


“You were on the ceiling only about five seconds”, Remus tries to reply matter of factly, but he's laughing to hard, “And you both were totally scared you falling off the train, so you came back really fast. I'm sure it was your fear speaking. Besides, James didn't see her at all. You were probably imagining things.”

  
  


Shaking his head, Sirius gives up persuading Remus. It's probably better this way, so Sirius can stay away from her while the other Marauders buy candy for him. He's protective of his friends, but a whole train trip without any sweets is nothing he would survive.

  
  


“So, did you come here just to make fun of my really understandable and totally logical mistrust against the Trolley witch?”, Sirius finally asks, because as much as he appreciates Remus' company, James would kill them if the plan went wrong because of them chatting.

  
  


“'Course not”, Remus mutters and runs his fingers through his hair, looking really uncomfortable. Sirius tenses, not liking the look in Remus' eyes at all: “Spill it out, Moony. What is it?”

  
  


“I just … look, Prongs and Wormtail are always around. It's hard to catch you alone”, Remus starts, studying the bricks on the floor really closely, “After what James suggested today before Dinner, I just wanted to make sure you didn't think of me … I don't know.”

  
  


“What are you talking about?”, Sirius interrupts Remus' rambling, confused of this conversation. And is he imagining things or is Remus actually blushing? It's hard to tell in the dark, but Sirius is quite sure Remus' cheeks went red.

  
  


“You remember when Peter asked how I convinced Lily coming to the Astronomy Tower in the middle of the night?”, Remus asks, sounding absolutely horrified, as if he really doesn't want to talk on. It takes a few moments for Sirius to finally catch up what Remus is talking about.

  
  


“ _What exactly did you tell her why she has to come to the Astronomy Tower in the middle of the night?”_

  
  


“ _I just said I wanted to talk. That's all.”_

  
  


“ _Oh, I think I know what Moony and Evans want to talk about.”_

  
  


“Oh right”, Sirius calls suddenly, “Prongs thought you and Evans wanted to talk about shagging.”

  
  


Remus' eyes widens at Sirius' thoughtlessly comment and his cheeks redden more, if that's even possible. It takes Sirius another moment to catch on what he blurted out without thinking. Usually, he and James are talking about shagging all the time, even with Peter and Remus around. This time, though, seems to be very different. He's wincing at his own reaction and tries to save what can be saved: “Well, y'know how Prongs is. When it comes to Evans, he can't think of anything else than kissing, shagging and even … ugh …  _loving_ her. He's utterless helpless.”

  
  


“Right”, Remus chuckles awkwardly, chewing on his lips, “I just wanted to make sure you're not … grossed out or anything.”

  
  


Midst the probably most embarrassing moment in his life (that even includes that one time Peter accidentally hexed his pants away in front of the whole Charms class and Professor Flitwick), Sirius pauses. After a brief moment of consideration, he asks incredulously: “What? Why would I be grossed out by that?”

  
  


Remus is studying the bricks on the floor again, averting his eyes from every look from Sirius. His voice is small when he finally replies: “We just kissed and I didn't want you to think I want to … already ... I mean … It's not that I don't want … But it would be too soon. Right?”

  
  


Sirius stares at Remus for a brief second before he cracks up with loud laughter. Remus sprints forward and covers his mouth with a hand. Then, Remus hisses: “Will you shut up already? We're supposed to be quiet.”

  
  


“Sorry, sorry”, Sirius gasps and tries to wiggle free from Remus' grip. Instead, Remus only strengthens his grips and tries to hold him tight. It's only after a moment of struggling that Sirius realizes how close Remus came. With probably red cheeks, he freezes and locks eyes with a stunned Remus. Then, Sirius finally mutters around Remus' hand: “Alright, I surrender, dear Moony.”

  
  


When Remus takes his hand away, the corners of his mouth are twitching and he doesn't move away from Sirius. They're so close right now that Sirius can see his soft eyelashes and the golden sparkles in Remus' eyes as well as the shadow behind them, as if the wolf is watching them, too. Sirius is possibly imagining things again, but it seems like the wolf inside Remus is actually quiet fond of their interaction.

  
  


“Remus?”, he whispers, not averting his gaze for a single moment. Remus just stares at him with an indefinable expression in his face: “Sirius?”

  
  


“Do you wanna be my boyfriend?”, Sirius finally asks, feeling really giddy and calm at the same time.

  
  


A wide smile lingers on Remus' lips when he replies: “How could I say no to the well known heart breaker Sirius Black? Of Course I want, Padfoot.”

  
  


Sirius giggles and takes a step forward. Remus meets his lips with his own in the middle. Sirius tastes the smile on Remus' lips, the chocolate he probably ate before they got started to help James with his stupid plans to woo …

  
  


“ _James_ ”, Sirius calls horrified, moving a step away. He can see the exact moment when realization strikes Remus, too.

  
  


“Oh … Merlins bollocks”, he murmurs quiet surprisingly, because usually Remus never curses, but Sirius has no time to appreciating it while trying to find James and Peter on the map. The first thing he notices, though, is that neither Filch nor the Bloody Baron are still in the dungeons. Which is not a good thing at all. Then he finally spots James on the top of the Astronomy Tower, which means it's later than Sirius thought. A little dot is approaching James, but it's not Lily Evans, how it's supposed to be.

  
  


“Oh no no no no no”, Sirius murmurs desperately while he watches the little dot taking the steps towards the top of the Tower. But it's not the only one, apparently. Within some distance, there is a second dot following, probably not even noticing the other person. _Lily Evans_ , the map tells him.

  
  


They screwed up. Totally.

  
  


“What is it?”, Remus whispers and leans in, trying to determine the reason for Sirius' horrified look.

  
  


Now, Sirius also spots Peter. His dot is dashing through the corridors, probably in the form of a rat, leading to where Sirius and Remus are standing right now. Three dots are following him, to Sirius' great horror.

  
  


“They're supposed to be at the dungeons”, Sirius whispers while watching Peter and his followers. He's not sure if they are purposely leading towards them and the Astronomy Tower or if it's a coincident, but they'll have an even bigger problem in just a few moments when they arrive.  


  
  


“Oh no”, Remus' voice draws his attention. Remus' eyes are directed on the little dot which almost reached the top of the Astronomy Tower right now, “Prongs is totally gonna kill us.”

  
  


“If McGonagall does not kill us first”, Sirius murmurs, staring at the little dot reaching the top and, according to the map, meeting James Potter.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay, guys! I can't keep up with daily updates, but I try to update once or twice in a week. I hope that's alright with you.  
> Do you think Filch sleeps at all? He's walking around the castles and catching poor students since ... Idk, the founding period of Hogwarts? Maybe he's actually a vampire who only sleeps at day.  
> I was so happy about your comments and little discussions about favorite ghosts and teachers in the last chapters. Comments are motivating me, so please leave a comment or Kudos and Critique if you want to!


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